Parents always choose same food they have at home in restaurants

A WOMAN is wondering why her parents bother to eat out when they always choose food that is indistinguishable from what they have at home.

Emma Bradford’s parents Ken and Sylvia doggedly stick to unadventurous choices such as gammon steak, familiar pizzas or even egg and chips.

She said: “I just don’t understand it. It’s lucky restaurants don’t serve buttered toast as a main course, because they’d order that if they could.

“I’ve even heard dad say he prefers Tesco frozen pizza to restaurant pizza because it ‘hasn’t got that funny green stuff on top’, as if they normally come covered in chemical waste.”

Sylvia Bradford said: “If we order something slightly unusual from a restaurant that’s been successfully making money selling food for years it could be completely disgusting and ruin our evening.

“We often have fish and chips because we know we like it. Even so, it’s a shame so many restaurants insist on cooking their own food instead of doing ready meals.”

Ken Bradford said: “Tonight I’m planning on having a margherita, but to be honest I wish they could just serve you some bread, cheese and a tomato on a plate.

“I suppose I could order a ploughman’s lunch but these days it comes with little pots of chutney which aren’t Branston Pickle and therefore strange and frightening.”

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People who call you 'mate' may actually despise you

A NEW study has revealed that ‘mate’ is often used as verbal camouflage by people who think the person they are addressing is a twat or worse.

The Institute for Studies found people who call you ‘mate’ were rarely an actual mate and often had ulterior motives such as getting you to do something.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “Mate is not always the guaranteed term of affection we assume it to be.

“Frequently the use of ‘mate’ is an attempt to create the illusion of friendship by tradesmen wanting to be paid or people persuading you it’s your round at the bar.

“Our study also revealed that ‘hun,’ ‘lovely’ and ‘sweetheart’ are often used without 100% emotional sincerity, in most cases by hairdressers or managers wanting you to work late for no extra money.

“My advice to the public is not to take being called ‘mate’ at face value, especially if you’re interacting with a builder who has already messed you around with bullshit excuses like his cat having depression.”

Plumber Stephen Malley said: “When I say ‘mate’, I mean ‘prick’.”