Primary school teachers sad for child named Tiberius

TEACHERS at a primary school are sad to see yet another middle-class child who has been given a ridiculous name.

Staff are disappointed but not surprised that an innocent child has been condemned to unnecessary bullying and a lifetime of people assuming he is a dick.

Teacher Nikki Hollis said: “A certain type of middle-class parent finds ancient names irresistible, so it’s only a matter of time before we get pupils called Cyclops and Hydra.

“Tiberius was a successful Roman emperor, but the other famous Tiberius was James T. Kirk. So if our Tiberius doesn’t get twatted for being a ponce he’ll get twatted for being a nerd.

“Parents really need to think before they choose these names. Tiberius has so much to live up to he’ll probably become a drop-out selling rasta hats in Bristol.

“You can’t even shorten it. I suppose he could call himself ‘Ty’ but that just sounds like he’s really called ‘Tyler’ or ‘Tybalt’, which are both dreadful in different ways.

“‘Tibor’ doesn’t really solve the problem either.”

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How are you pretending not to be middle-aged?

NO ONE can avoid getting older, but you can pretend to be 25 when you’re in your mid-40s and beyond. So which desperate, embarrassing measures are you opting for?

Being obsessed with the latest music

Unfortunately getting into new music involves listening to a lot of shit. Ask yourself: ‘Is it really worth listening to this crap Mexican hip-hop band or should I just buy a zip-up cardigan and accept I am quite old?’

Refusing to accept your reduced partying abilities

By all means keep going on mad drinking sprees, but realise you’ll have to lie about the effects. So when you say “Actually I was pretty OK the next day” what you really mean is “I couldn’t leave the house on Saturday due to the vomiting and alcohol paranoia giving me a morbid fear of the outside world”.

Constantly seeking out ‘young things’ that aren’t

This involves finding interests that seem young and trendy but really aren’t, eg. manga, gaming or Stormzy. Can lead to deep disappointment as you go on Snapchat only to find your dad sharing pictures of his sprouts.

Dressing ‘too young’

Luckily there are many signs you may be dressing ‘too young’. People might ask if you are going to a fancy dress party as a hooker or, if male, a member of One Direction. Alternatively you may find yourself being rushed to A&E to have your skinny jeans cut off before your legs wither and die.

Doing a sport that’s more mental than anything you would have done aged 20

Ultramarathons, kick boxing, Tough Mudding – these are all good sports to prove how youthful and dynamic you are. Sadly hearing about them is extremely tedious, which cancels out any kudos you got in the first place.

Denying yourself middle-aged pleasures

Once middle-aged you no longer have to feel square for not going to shitty clubs, staying in on Friday or enjoying a good documentary about the Wehrmacht. This more than compensates for being less attractive, knackered all the time and significantly closer to death.