Mum reckons she’ll have done a good job as long as kids don’t grow up to be twats

A WOMAN does not think her children are destined for greatness and will just be glad if they are not twats.

Helen Archer, 37, is doing her best to raise Sarah and Jamie to be nothing more than vaguely pleasant, well-rounded individuals rather than self-obsessed nightmares with a sense of entitlement and an opinion about absolutely everything.

Archer said: “The responsibility of producing new human beings and then making sure they don’t eat the dishwasher tablets or give themselves a hair cut is big enough.

“Is there really any point in encouraging them to become doctors if they then go around thinking they’re god almighty because they know what the pancreas does?

“I guess they could do sport as long as they don’t become horribly competitive and see sport as a ‘metaphor for life’, like some total bellend.

“And sure, it might be nice if they go to university, but universities do have a fairly high proportion of twats. So they could go in as non-twats but graduate as absolutely dreadful twats.

“It’s a constant challenge, but if you want a twat-free world then nothing is more important.”

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Man just goes to cinema to be outraged by price of everything

A MAN has admitted he only goes to the cinema to indulge in righteous fury at the prices.

Martin Bishop insisted his outrage was far more satisfying than a beautifully crafted story about sexual awakening, or watching comic book characters kick each other in the chest for two hours.

He added: “Much like a superhero film, it is somewhat formulaic, but I enjoy it tremendously.

“Ten quid for three hours parking. How do these sons of bitches sleep at night? Like babies, that’s how. Because they’re evil.

“Twelve fucking quid for a ticket. Utter bastards. Perhaps it would be cheaper if the actors – who do sod all anyway, it’s all just CGI – were paid five million instead 10 million. Arseholes.

“And I have to pay extra for a big comfy seat just to watch Robert Downey Jr wank it out one more time and then get all po-faced when people don’t appreciate him as a fucking ‘artist’.

“And then there’s the fizzy drinks and the popcorn. I will not rest until I know the profit margin on that bollocks.

“It’s a really good night out.”