Toilets are meant to be dirty: The recently divorced man's guide to domestic chores

ARE you a man who’s sadly got divorced, but also thrown off the shackles of domestic servitude? Here Tom Logan gives his advice to other liberated, unhygienic men.

Toilets are meant to be dirty

I can’t believe the amount of money my ex wasted on Domestos. A toilet should show its battle scars. Every brown streak is like a war medal. If a woman disagrees, try a different tack and tell them waste from bleach factories is turning millions of dolphins albino. It’s probably true. 

In fact, everything’s meant to be dirty

Face it, cleanliness is just a waste of beer time. If you face the dirt down and show it you’re not bothered, it soon gives up. It’s a much better atmosphere around the house too if you and domestic filth can reach an understanding and learn to put up with each other.

If your duvet needs to be cleaned, it’ll go to the washing machine itself

I’m serious about saving the planet, unlike my ex-wife who’s all ‘Ooh, let’s have eco washing power but have the washing machine going 24 hours a day’. Clean your duvet once a year maximum, although every two years is more environmentally aware. Sure it smells, but it’s a ripe, manly smell that’s sure to turn on the ladies, if one ever ends up in my bed again.

Parking your motorbike in the kitchen is just common sense

Sure there’s oil dripping on the tiles and it’s a bugger banging your knee against it when you’re opening another tin of beans or having a piss in the kitchen sink. But in these enlightened times you wouldn’t make your dog sleep in the garden, so why your equally beloved bike? My wife made me sleep in the garden once when I’d had a skinful and it’s not nice.

Looking through windows is boring

Being able to see out of windows is overrated, so leave the dirt be. It’s not like you look out of the window in Stevenage and see Mardi Gras floats or a WW2 dogfight going on. Also a healthy layer of dusty grime probably protects the glass, or something. 

If you pathetically can’t accept the dirt, get a cleaner in if you must

I’ll admit that not emptying the kitchen bin for five months was a bit too long. So I got in Petra. Nice lady. In fact, we hit it off and we’re going on a date next week. She says she’s seen more revolting shitholes than mine. I think she might be ‘the one’.

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Graveyards, and four other f**king mental things to leave Google reviews on

HAVE you browsed Google and noticed that a whole host of mental things can be reviewed? Here are some of the strangest to leave your opinion on.


When choosing where to bury someone, very few families are going to hit up Google to peruse the reviews left by local nutters. Comments like: ‘Vicar gave me grief for moving flowers from other graves onto my uncle’s. Unacceptable’ and ‘Depressing atmosphere’ aren’t really helping anyone.


If you’re looking for a great way to waste everyone’s time, why not review a random river you once visited? Everyone will surely be grateful for such worthwhile 1-star observations as: ‘Spent six hours fishing, and caught NOTHING. Overrated.’ Or: ‘My son accidentally dropped his packed lunch and it was swept away INSTANTLY. Local council uninterested in retrieving it.’

Nature reserves

Here’s a handy question to ask yourself before deciding to review a nature reserve in Northumberland created as a breeding ground for curlews: ‘Are you a curlew?’ If the answer is ‘No. I am a 52-year-old human man from Basingstoke’, maybe don’t post your review saying: ‘Awful place, incredibly muddy and kept treading on eggs everywhere.’


Don’t leave mental reviews like: ‘Waited 10 hours in A&E before I was seen by a nurse about my acute gonorrhoea. Ian Henderson, Stoke’. Or: ‘1 Star. Maternity ward’s vending machine broken. Luckily the birth of my son was handled expertly.’ Maybe instead think about how to solve these NHS issues, eg. vote for a party that doesn’t want to privatise it.


‘Far too tall. Samantha, Newcastle.’ ‘Surely the council could level it and create a bowling alley instead. Jeff, Bath.’ It’s great that you’re using the internet to weigh in on various UK mountain ranges dating from the Caledonian folding period half a billion years ago. Your opinion matters.