Arsehole bouncer 'there to make sure everyone enjoys themselves'

A NIGHTCLUB bouncer who enjoys intimidating people and pinning them to the floor is just there to make sure they have a good night out, he has claimed.

Doorman Wayne Hayes says he just wants customers to have fun, although he does also enjoy using his boxing skills to batter them given any excuse.

Clubber Tom Booker said: “It’s great the way Wayne looks at you as if you’re scum and says ‘No trouble, lads’ when you’re literally just standing in the queue doing nothing.

“Also there’s something about seeing a man in a headlock for repeatedly doing ‘the worm’ that gives a club a wonderful chilled-out vibe.”

Fellow nightclubber Emma Bradford said: “The presence of a frustrated MMA fighter intimidating you the second you step through the door definitely increases my fun.”

Hayes, who has connections to the local criminal underworld, said: “I’m just here to prevent any trouble, which I do by constantly threatening people about drugs and sometimes banging their head on the pavement.

“Now fuck off and enjoy yourselves.”

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Recruitment agent has moment of remorse then goes back to being a bastard

A RECRUITER has had a moment of remorse before going straight back to being a bastard, it has been revealed.

Stephen Malley was visited by a brief but potent feeling of guilt, although the 27-year-old career recruiter lacked the previous experience needed to describe it.

Malley said: “It was weird. I’d just finished telling a highly-qualified marketing manager that they were a ‘stretch candidate’ and that they should be thanking me for talking to them when I got an unfamiliar feeling.

“It was like the sensation people describe when they hit a cat in their car, although I actually quite like doing that. It was weird.”

Malley then put a stack of CVs in the bin without reading them because it made him laugh, before saying: “Anyway, I’m all better now so if you’ll excuse me I’ve got some lies to tell.”