UK's most confident woman asks which aisle the lube is in

A 28-YEAR-OLD has been crowned the UK’s most confident woman after asking a Boots sales assistant which aisle the lubricant is in.

Emma Bradford strode purposefully into her local branch of Boots and, after scanning the shop floor, demanded help in finding sexual intercourse accessories.

Sales assistant Jennifer Harris said: “I showed her to the aisle, but then she asked very specific questions about the products and if I had used them myself.

“This is Boots, so things can get a bit weird, but she had an aura like I’d never felt before.”

Bradford said: “Sex is natural and lubricant is, at times. an immensely helpful product. Now stop all this prudish, Victorian nonsense and let’s get the job done.”

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Four IKEA products in urgent need of a Brexit makeover

IKEA can feel like a lucid, European nightmare. Strange names, tiny pencils and a one-way system that’s more regimental than EU fishing regulations. In the new Golden Age, here are four products in need of immediate Brexification.

KÖTTBULLAR meatballs
Nothing says ‘IKEA’ more than a portion of Swedish meatballs covered in gravy. Now that Brexit is done the UK will be doing away with food altogether, so no snacks for you, fatty.

KALLAX cabinet
It sounds deeply foreign, or possibly from Star Trek, so it should renamed the ‘Johnson’ cabinet. The build quality is very poor, but as long as you shuffle around the contents every so often you’ll forget that it could collapse at any moment.

BILLY bookcase 
This product already has a good Ulster British name, but just in case Northern Ireland ends up reuniting with the south – and therefore the loathsome EU – it should be renamed the ‘Winston’ bookcase.

RENS sheepskin Rug
The sheepskin rug is a staple item in any IKEA-decorated home. As homage to the Welsh wool industry it should be renamed the ‘Merthyr Tydfil Mini-Carpet’. Like Merthyr, it will take your abuse and not give a f*ck.

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