TOWNS where students go to get drunk and occasionally attend lectures are fun for exactly three years only, it has emerged.
Despite boasting amenities like bars that do cheap shots with your NUS card and a lack of nearby parents, university towns all become instantly boring the second that undergraduates finish their studies, collect their degrees, and enter the real world.
Bath Spa student Tom Booker said: “It’s like we have a collective epiphany. Suddenly we realise how shallow we’ve been all along, only attracted to these towns by the glittering lure of higher education.
“This place isn’t a treasure nestled in the Somerset hills or a Georgian metropolis. It’s got a few sports bars, solid transport connections to a real party city like Bristol, and seemed incredibly impressive to an 18-year-old coming from a boring backwater in Warwickshire.
“But today, finals finished, I actually feel sorry for the poor bastards stuck here permanently who I’d never noticed before. How do they put up with grinding mundanity and all those over-excited freshers? Couldn’t be me.”
De Montfort student Eleanor Shaw said: “Leicester blew my mind on Freshers’ Week. The sheer possibilities. But by the time I had my 2:2 it was exhausted, and I was happy to leave its desiccated husk behind.
“Like a swarm of locusts, we graduates will fly away, this time filtering by career prospects, affordable housing and catchment areas. Pray we don’t descend on your town.”
