University town fun for three years and not a day more

TOWNS where students go to get drunk and occasionally attend lectures are fun for exactly three years only, it has emerged.

Despite boasting amenities like bars that do cheap shots with your NUS card and a lack of nearby parents, university towns all become instantly boring the second that undergraduates finish their studies, collect their degrees, and enter the real world.

Bath Spa student Tom Booker said: “It’s like we have a collective epiphany. Suddenly we realise how shallow we’ve been all along, only attracted to these towns by the glittering lure of higher education.

“This place isn’t a treasure nestled in the Somerset hills or a Georgian metropolis. It’s got a few sports bars, solid transport connections to a real party city like Bristol, and seemed incredibly impressive to an 18-year-old coming from a boring backwater in Warwickshire.

“But today, finals finished, I actually feel sorry for the poor bastards stuck here permanently who I’d never noticed before. How do they put up with grinding mundanity and all those over-excited freshers? Couldn’t be me.”

De Montfort student Eleanor Shaw said: “Leicester blew my mind on Freshers’ Week. The sheer possibilities. But by the time I had my 2:2 it was exhausted, and I was happy to leave its desiccated husk behind.

“Like a swarm of locusts, we graduates will fly away, this time filtering by career prospects, affordable housing and catchment areas. Pray we don’t descend on your town.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Bet you didn't think we'd wait this long before pulling the ol' trans lever, say Tories

KEMI Badenoch believes the Conservatives should be congratulated for waiting until the second week of their campaign before leveraging the trans issue. 

The business secretary and leader-in-waiting told media that managing almost a fortnight of campaigning before announcing discriminatory measures against an embattled minority to win support from wavering bigots shows the Tories are a party of ideas.

She continued: “Be honest, you thought we were going at this from day one. You were surprised he didn’t say it in his rain speech.

“But since then we’ve tickled the bellies of the elderly and prejudiced with a whole range of policies. From national service to banning degrees to promising they’ll always be the richest and most special, we’ve demonstrated we’re more than mere transphobes.

“However, the audience wants us to play the hits. So we’ve opened Monday with a big, bold promise that a very complex issue is very simple, that nothing’s changed since you were a girl in 1956, and them new types aren’t to be trusted. You like that, don’t you Elsie?

“And if you think this is patient, careful campaigning, you’ll be even more impressed on June 14th when we unveil ‘Keir’s coming for your Brexit’. How did we wait so long?”

Starmer said: “Oh God, it’s true. I don’t know what a woman is and I never, ever have.”