Vegan birthday cake just made of flour and sadness

A VEGAN birthday cake is just a pile of flour tinged with disappointment and sadness, it has been confirmed.

Mary Fisher celebrated her 40th birthday with her family, who endured a meal of cruciferous vegetables topped with an upsetting, chalky substance that was later revealed to be vegan ‘cheese’.

Her sister, Emma Bradford, said: “I’ll be honest, we were all really counting on the cake to turn things around.

“So imagine our dismay when the waiters brought out what was ostensibly some flour and, I can only assume, the tears of whoever was forced to make it.

“I don’t care how many candles you put on that thing, it’s not real cake. The decorations were pretty enough, but you can’t polish a turd.”

The family then gave a series of excuses for why they could not eat the cake, ranging from ‘I’m really full from lunch’ to ‘it just looks shit’.