Vegan cat becoming totally unbearable

AN already arrogant cat has become totally unbearable after going on a vegan diet.

Cat Tom Booker has been vegan for a week after rejecting cat food, pestering his owners for vegetables and starting to ‘forage’ for edible plants in a poncey way.

Fellow cat Wayne Hayes said: “Tom has always had the superiority of a much larger animal but since going on this vegan diet he’s become smugger than Stephen Fry.

“He’s always banging on about ‘ethical choices’ and how full of energy he feels. What’s the point of that if you can’t spend an afternoon sadistically chucking a mouse around?

“I alerted him to a saucer of milk but he looked at me like a wine snob being offered a pint of Blue Nun. Who’d have thought a cat could be so superior and stand-offish?”

Booker said: “I’m feeling the health benefits already. And without wishing to sound big-headed, thank goodness some of us are prepared to explore sustainable lifestyles that could save the planet.

“I’m definitely not secretly craving a big bowl of Whiskas full of delicious minced entrails and scrotums.”

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Mum still confident we can win it

A FOOTBALL novice mum has reassured her heartbroken family that England can pull something out of the bag and win the World Cup.

Susan Traherne of Warwick told her husband and two sons not to lose faith in ‘the boys’ and whatever the commentators might say, it is not over yet.

She said: “They keep saying ‘Mum, we’re out, that’s it’, but I still believe. Gareth Southgate is a very clever man. He’ll find a way.

“I’m actually disappointed in my menfolk for giving up so easily. Harry Kane won’t have, I know that. He’s determined as well as handsome and polite. He’ll keep trying.

“Well what do you know? Piers Morgan’s just said we’re playing against Belgium on Saturday. You see? Didn’t I tell you?

“I’d better go and tell everyone. They’re going to be absolutely delighted.”

14-year-old son Jamie Traherne said: “Yeah. Trying to teach mum about football turned out to be a very painful mistake.”