Veggie friend wondering if there's enough space on your BBQ for her ego

A VEGETARIAN  has been worrying about whether her friends have made room on their BBQ for her ego.

Jessica Radbury, aged 23, said: “I was flattered by the invite, but also began to worry that they wouldn’t have considered my feelings.

“I thought I’d better ask for guidance, so I rang the Wholefoods emergency hotline. They said their collection of vegetarian sausages are the perfect way to show off at an English barbecue.

“Then I can make everyone try them, and force them to admit that it actually really does taste better than real meat, and they’ve been in the wrong their entire lives.”

She added: “Hopefully they will have kept my needs in mind, but just in case, I’ve prepared a special separate barbecue for my ego so they don’t get their filthy meat juice over it.”

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British person not excited by new TV show about baking

A BRITISH human being is not counting down the days until the start of a new show about cakes.

Friends of Emma Bradshaw where shocked to discover she did not share their enthusiasm for the upcoming show Bakey-Bakey Britain, revealing she is more interested in dramas about advertising executives or the Baltimore drug trade.

Bradshaw said, “Don’t get me wrong, if you’re offering me a cake I’ll have it.

“Do I want to sit in your kitchen and watch you bake it while you tell me what you’re doing? Christ on a bike, no, that would be an obvious waste of time.

“Do I want to see other people bake cakes that I then wouldn’t even get to eat? Absolutely not. That’s just weird.”

Bradshaw’s friend Tom Logan added: “I’ve known Emma for a long time so this has come as something of a surprise.

“It will break my heart when I cover her front door with obscene graffiti.”