Wally, lemon, plank: 15 truly underrated insults

INSULTING people is too complicated these days, what with irritating epithets such as ‘cockwomble’. Here are some simple classics:

Dipstick – Short, sweet and to the point. If you need an alternative mechanics-based putdown, there’s always ‘spanner’ or ‘tool’.

Plank – There’s little better than a one syllable insult, especially if you shout it really loudly.

Wally – Pure primary school. Sounds a bit like ‘willy’ too.

Nitwit – Another one you haven’t heard since the playground, probably from a teacher.

Dingbat – Up there with nitwit in terms of insults which also make you sound a bit clever. And making yourself feel big while making someone else feel small is a key part of being a successful insulter.

Mug – This one has had a recent renaissance thanks to Love Island and the film output of Danny Dyer.

Spoon – The spiritual cousin of mug. It’s mild, but surprising.

Lemon – A watchword for useless or crap, lemon is also one of the many, great fruit-based insults out there.

Plum – See above

Nana – Short for banana. See above AND above the above.

Doughnut – Departing from fruit there’s also a whole word of culinary insults to be had. Doughnut, however, stands head and shoulders above the rest.

Nugget – Brings to mind something small, insignificant and probably full of gristle. ‘Whopper’ is another insult you’d also hear at a fast food joint.

Muppet – Given the charm of Kermit and the cool of Miss Piggy, is ‘muppet’ even really an insult?

Plonker – Popularised by Del Boy and best deployed immediately after someone does something daft like spilling a cup of tea or locking themselves out of their house.

Helmet – A clean way of telling someone they are on par with the head of a penis. You could call your mum it, and she couldn’t complain.

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Weed dealers allowed to sell in ounces again

BRITAIN’S hard-working cannabis dealers are to be allowed to sell in eighths and quarter-pounds again as a Brexit benefit. 

Weed cultivators and sellers forced to operate using metric weights since the early 2000s have applauded the Tories’ return to good old-fashioned common sense.

Steve Malley of Leatherhead explained: “Our punters don’t come to us for three point five grams of herbal cannabis. They come to us for a good old fashioned eighth.

“They want that old feeling of freedom, of picking up a solid quarter-ounce to smoke with their student mates like they used to, even though they’re now in their 40s and have it in their £3,700 summerhouse.

“Thankfully common sense has prevailed. I only feel bad my uncle couldn’t see it. He was locked up as one of the metric martyrs back in 2002.

“They said it was for cannabis importation, human trafficking and manslaughter, but that was just an excuse. It was the metric thing. And now he’s finally vindicated.

Cocaine dealer Julian Cook said: “Anyone tries to stop me importing in kilos and selling in grams, I’ll f**king shoot them. I’m not joking. I’ve got the gun here.”