Waving at people on boats, and other random shit Brits do for no reason

WE might ignore each other on trains, but we will cheer with wild abandon when a stranger drops a glass. Here are some of the other weird things Brits love to do:

Obsess over bins

No other nationality in the world cares quite so much about their bins. We will f**k up anyone who tries to move ours without permission and are so strangely possessive of them that we paint huge numbers on the sides to mark our territory. We’d probably piss on them like dogs too, if it wouldn’t get us arrested.

Wave at people on boats

There’s absolutely no reason for a grown adult to be delighted by a boat. Yet many of us will happily take a second out from being a miserable bastard to maniacally wave at people on a slightly unusual form of transport, and be absolutely thrilled if they see us and wave back.

Act like normal things are terribly naughty

Going for a bog-standard night out? Cheeky! Having a biscuit? Naughty! Entering a relationship? Oh, you dirty dog. We love to consider any normal activity in our bland little lives a hilarious act of deviance. And as for genuine acts of deviance? We blithely ignore those, especially if committed by an MP.

Cheer at smashed glass

There’s nothing more British than celebrating a minor mistake with the kind of cheer usually reserved for England getting through to the second round of the Euros before inevitably being knocked out. We think the failure of others is beautiful and couldn’t possibly let it go unnoticed, even though we detest anyone pointing it out when we f**k up ourselves.

Say hello to everyone on country walks

Brits have long mastered the art of politely ignoring each other. But in the great outdoors we feel obliged to bob our heads and say some mundane pleasantry to anyone passing us, as if we were simple rural folk on the way to help with the harvest, rather than city dwellers trudging back to the National Trust car park to get in our massive SUVs.

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Pet birthdays and other non-occasions people think you should celebrate

LIFE is full of big moments that deserve recognition. And then there are these non-events which people weirdly expect you to celebrate:

One-month anniversaries

Making a relationship last an entire month is an incredible achievement if you’re the sort of person clingy enough to notice it. Meanwhile this non-occasion passes normal couples by because they’re still in the honeymoon period shagging session phase. If you celebrate one-month anniversaries then soon you’ll be marking the number of days since you were dumped.

Pet birthdays

Everyone gets it. Your pet has filled the void in your life where normal human connections should exist. However this does not mean you should treat them like an actual person. They do not understand time so randomly showering your pet with praise and gifts will undo months of hard-won training. Plus getting them a little cake makes you look a bit weird.

Their kid’s GCSE results

The only people who give a shit about GCSE results are lecturers who conduct Oxbridge interviews. Everyone else zones out when proud parents start droning on about a series of grades that don’t matter. During this time they think about more thrilling topics, including: ‘what shall I have for dinner?’ and ‘I need to descale the kettle.’


Traditionally referred to as ‘hump day’ by infuriating twats who somehow have the same voting rights as you. The midpoint of the working week is admittedly less depressing than a Monday, but it is nowhere near as exciting as a Friday or relaxing as the weekend. So shut the f**k up about it and knuckle down.

A sideways career move

Promotions are worthy of celebration, and redundancies are a valid reason to go out and drown your sorrows. But being shuttled between departments without getting a pay rise is impossible to get excited about. Don’t invite anyone to the pub to toast your new job title, they do not want to waste an evening making small talk with your new colleagues.