Wearing sparkly trainers key sign that you're a kn*bhead

RESEARCHERS have found that adults wearing metallic or bejewelled trainers are 12 times more likely to be total cocks. 

A conclusive study showed that wearing trainers apparently designed by an over-excitable child with gold crayons, glue and a craft box full of glitter is a sure sign that you should be avoided whenever possible.

Dr Helen Archer said: “It is scientifically impossible to explain the purchase of such flagrantly ridiculous footwear in any other way.

“Wearing trainers, intended to be practical, and then covering them in gold or silver or thousands of little diamante sparkles means you’re either a show-off twat with no idea how risible you look or it’s a cry for help.

“You can break the cycle by burning any shoes you own that Beyoncé would think could do with toning down a bit, and perhaps you will once again be accepted by society.

“Unless, of course, you have trainers with ribbons instead of laces. Anyone willingly wearing those has placed themselves beyond all help.”

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Woman carrying yoga mat just using it for naps

A WOMAN often seen carrying a yoga mat has admitted she only uses it to take frequent naps. 

Emma Bradford of Manchester, who carries the mat to and from work as well as around the office, says the mat is perfect for power-napping in the morning, evening and afternoon.

She said: “I got into this when I went to a yoga class. It was boring as hell but I quite liked the comfy mat. It gave me an idea.

“So now, while people imagine I’m a healthy person who does sports and eats oatmeal with nuts in, I carry my mat off and have a 45-minute snooze then come back and people remark on how relaxed I seem.

“I also take it with me when I go to the park. I’ll check out a public yoga class from a safe distance and drift off on my mat while they all do stretches.

“I’ve even been told I’ve lost weight which I haven’t, because I’m eating more carbs to help me nap more easily.

Bradford is considering taking up carrying one of those inflatable pilates balls, so she can sit on it at the bus stop.