RESEARCHERS have found that adults wearing metallic or bejewelled trainers are 12 times more likely to be total cocks.
A conclusive study showed that wearing trainers apparently designed by an over-excitable child with gold crayons, glue and a craft box full of glitter is a sure sign that you should be avoided whenever possible.
Dr Helen Archer said: “It is scientifically impossible to explain the purchase of such flagrantly ridiculous footwear in any other way.
“Wearing trainers, intended to be practical, and then covering them in gold or silver or thousands of little diamante sparkles means you’re either a show-off twat with no idea how risible you look or it’s a cry for help.
“You can break the cycle by burning any shoes you own that Beyoncé would think could do with toning down a bit, and perhaps you will once again be accepted by society.
“Unless, of course, you have trainers with ribbons instead of laces. Anyone willingly wearing those has placed themselves beyond all help.”