Were you ever even remotely cool? Take our quiz

WERE you ever close to being a trendy and popular person or have you always been an awkward loser? Deep down you already know the answer, but double-check with our quiz.

Where did you sit on the school bus?

A) At the back in the middle, surrounded by hordes of clamouring admirers. Even the driver thought I was the shit.

B) Right at the front so it was harder for all of the twats at the back to throw things at me.

When you were growing up you read…

A ) MATCH! magazine before moving on to lads’ mags, which was a culturally acceptable thing to do at the time.

B) Back issues of 2000AD sourced from my local Forbidden Planet. Although I mainly flicked through them to ogle Judge Anderson.

Describe your old fashion sense.

A) My entire personality was built around my pair of crisp white Nike Dunks, and in many ways it still is.

B) My trusty anorak and tank tops chosen by my mum.

The first album you ever bought was:

A) Appetite for Destruction by Guns N’ Roses, which became the soundtrack to many a make-out session.

B) A Doctor Who sound effects compilation album. My favourite track was Gallifreyan Staser Gun (3 Blasts).

What car did you have as a teenager?

A) A white Ford Escort XR3i. I’d drive around for hours just being unbelievably cool.

B) My parents’ Austin Allegro. I’d sit in the passenger seat while they drove me to Blake’s 7 conventions.


Mostly As: As a slave to popular tastes you were cool by default, even though it sounds as if you were, and still are, a massive wanker. Congratulations, sort of.

Mostly Bs: You were about as far from being cool as it was possible to get. Although if you were young today you would probably be celebrated for being a trail-blazing iconoclast. Bad luck.

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A guide to Scotland's backwards politics, by Englishman Wayne Hayes

SCOTLAND is what they call the bit of land at the top of England, for some reason. It’s even allowed its own funny little political system. Here’s my guide to it.

Scotland believes it’s a separate country

Despite the fact that it’s actually just a faraway bit of England, people in Scotland think they live in a different country. We play along with this delusion and even allow them to have their own pretend elections, like children do to choose a primary school council. Bless.

They have something called ‘devolution’

Devolution is the opposite of evolution, which means Scotland is constantly going backwards. I’ve never been there myself, thank Christ, but I know for a fact they’re a race of troglodytes who live in mountains and communicate in an ancient language that doesn’t sound like English. They’re basically Neanderthals who accidentally invented Irn-Bru.

They have several imaginary political parties

Unlike England which just has the Conservatives and Labour, Scotland has made-up parties like the SNP. People even vote for them, as if that counts. It doesn’t matter though, as Westminster ignores them because, beyond being a handy place to park Trident, Scotland isn’t important.

They pay more tax

This is mental, right, but Scottish people have chosen to pay more tax than we do in England. Yeah, they get free prescriptions and cheap dentistry and stuff, but when it comes down to it they’re obviously just mugs. Who needs public services? Not me. I wouldn’t be seen dead on a bus. 

They want to leave us

For some inexplicable reason, Scotland thinks that England doesn’t value it as part of the UK and wants to become independent. They should be grateful to be part of such a noble, upstanding, tolerant country as mine. F**king idiots. I blame Braveheart.