What age should a woman have a baby at, and why they're all wrong

ARE you a woman who’s planning on having a child at some point? Here are some ages to have one at and why society will judge you for all of them. 

Under 22 years old

God, what is this, the 15th century? We don’t just have to procreate as soon as our bodies tell us to, you know. Having a child at this age smacks of teenage irresponsibility – broken condoms and even more broken dreams. Let’s hope your ashamed mum is able to pretend it’s hers and raise it as your sister. 

23-26 years old

Barely out of university and already settling down? You’re either a fundamentalist Christian or someone with no direction in life. You’re probably married to your childhood sweetheart and think children are going to give you the personality you’ve been lacking all these years. The rest of us went travelling. You’d better hope that nightclubs and MDMA are still around when you’re finally free of the kid aged 46.

27-32 years old

Well, someone’s already bored of going out and having fun with their friends. And just as you’re getting going in your job you’re going to throw it all away for mummy and toddler groups. Still, if you want to swap nappies for career progression and lose a small fortune in earnings that’s up to you. 

33-39 years old

So you’ve decided to become that hopeless manager who dashes off to school plays rather than sit through a whole meeting? However if you don’t have a child in your 30s, rest assured friends, family and colleagues will worriedly ask you when you intend to. Yes, you cannot win.

40+ years old

Leaving it a bit late, aren’t we? Being too picky about finding a man as you slowly turn into an aged, childless crone? And when you do have kids you won’t be able to keep up with them in the playground, because you’re practically a pensioner now, not a perfectly healthy 41-year-old.

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How to maintain a low profile, by Harry and Meghan

WANT to live a quiet life? Retiring wallflowers the Duke and Duchess of Sussex give their tips on how to successfully stay out of the public eye.

Make a big fuss about it

Rather than sliding into obscurity gracefully in a way that could win the public over, we prefer to deliver the news via awkward speeches. We’ll probably do one this afternoon, just to remind everyone we’re stepping back from being high-profile royals for the 200th time. Oh and we’re having a baby. Did we mention that?

Still try to go to public events

As a nobody you’ll no longer be invited to all the highlights of the social calendar like laying a wreath at the Cenotaph on Remembrance Sunday. But you can still make your absence felt by asking to take part in a way that will dominate the headlines for days, or at least until you do something else to avoid attention.

Release statements about your personal life

We hate the press which is why we’ve cut all ties with them, except for when we release photos and statements about our personal lives. Having successfully sued the Mail there’s a chance the tabloids might be too scared to talk about us, so we’d better send them some more arty photos of us enjoying our privacy.

Hang out with celebrities

Movie premiers are decidedly low-key affairs, so stay out of the spotlight by going to them and getting photographed talking to world famous pop stars like Beyonce. We could go in disguise to really be anonymous, but what’s the point in avoiding publicity if you can’t be recognised while you’re doing it?

Keep being sixth in line for the throne

Stepping down as senior royals is exhausting work. Not only do you have to think about getting a job but you get to retain all the titles and a claim to the throne. On the upside we’re no longer plastered all over tacky Buckingham Palace souvenirs, so we’ll be releasing our own range of Meghan and Harry merchandise next week. We’re available for interviews.