Thursday, 25th February 2021

What age should a woman have a baby at, and why they're all wrong

ARE you a woman who’s planning on having a child at some point? Here are some ages to have one at and why society will judge you for all of them. 

Under 22 years old

God, what is this, the 15th century? We don’t just have to procreate as soon as our bodies tell us to, you know. Having a child at this age smacks of teenage irresponsibility – broken condoms and even more broken dreams. Let’s hope your ashamed mum is able to pretend it’s hers and raise it as your sister. 

23-26 years old

Barely out of university and already settling down? You’re either a fundamentalist Christian or someone with no direction in life. You’re probably married to your childhood sweetheart and think children are going to give you the personality you’ve been lacking all these years. The rest of us went travelling. You’d better hope that nightclubs and MDMA are still around when you’re finally free of the kid aged 46.

27-32 years old

Well, someone’s already bored of going out and having fun with their friends. And just as you’re getting going in your job you’re going to throw it all away for mummy and toddler groups. Still, if you want to swap nappies for career progression and lose a small fortune in earnings that’s up to you. 

33-39 years old

So you’ve decided to become that hopeless manager who dashes off to school plays rather than sit through a whole meeting? However if you don’t have a child in your 30s, rest assured friends, family and colleagues will worriedly ask you when you intend to. Yes, you cannot win.

40+ years old

Leaving it a bit late, aren’t we? Being too picky about finding a man as you slowly turn into an aged, childless crone? And when you do have kids you won’t be able to keep up with them in the playground, because you’re practically a pensioner now, not a perfectly healthy 41-year-old.