What does the bizarre crap in your car boot say about you?

YOUR car boot is the store cupboard that isn’t in the house and nobody looks at, so it’s where the real freaky sh*t piles up. Here’s what yours says about you: 

Gym bag, box of charity shop stuff, multipack of toilet rolls

You’re terminally lazy and use your boot as a storage area for your good intentions. The gym clothes have been festering since your last visit in May, the charity shop books will never make it to Oxfam, and you bring toilet rolls in one at a time as and when.

Stray lemon, tin of tomatoes, bottle of ketchup

It’s a mystery to you why items keep going missing from your badly-packed shopping, especially round items. Another mystery is what’s rattling in your boot when you turn sharp corners. Because you’re stupid, these mysteries will never be solved.

Broken laptop, hamster cage, oversized Donald Duck toy

You’re unhinged. If this is the kind of sh*t you keep in your car boot, what the hell kind of mess is there inside your head? The only thing stopping you being a serial killer is there’s no room in your boot for a corpse.

Curtain pole, old mattress, six bags of rubble

You’re a keen fly-tipper looking for the perfect spot to enjoy your fun hobby.

Sony six-CD autochanger loaded with Best Ofs and Top Gear compilations

You bought your company car off your business when you became self-employed in 2005 and have seen no reason to update it. Seven hours of music is enough music for anyone for the rest of their life.

Wheel jack, jumpleads, reflective emergency triangle, hi-viz jacket, torch, first aid kit

You are in fact a serial killer.

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Man looking for 'emotionally intelligent' partner posts topless selfie on dating profile

A MAN who is looking for a woman with ‘emotional intelligence’ who ‘looks beyond the surface’ has chose a six-pack selfie for his dating profile. 

Julian Cook, aged 29, says he ‘absolutely doesn’t prioritise looks’, but would also like someone ‘who respects her body’ who will enjoy multiple photos of his abs, including several taken while he smiles at himself in the mirror.

He continued: “I’ve no time for timewasters. I’m on here to get off here. I’m after a partner with emotional depth, who can see past my sculpted torso to the big heart beneath.

“Shallow, looks-obsessed people need not apply. I’ve also got photos of me in shorts on a beach, in Speedos in the sea, and posing in a Debenhams towel while clenching his fists like a bodybuilder.

“I’ve shown real depth and range in my profile so I’ve no idea why no one seems interested. Mind you half of them need to sort themselves out before they start dating. Hit the gym, you lazy cows.”