KIDS will hate the educational activities you have planned for half-term. However they will lovingly remember these lowbrow experiences forever:
The Pizza Hut buffet
Even if they can only eat two slices, your kids will be crazed with excitement at the idea of unlimited Meat Feast pizza and bacon bits from the salad bar. And don’t forget the ice cream factory, which will pump them full of so many E numbers they won’t sleep all week. They’ll cherish this much more than the gallery trips you had planned.
A film at a sticky-floored cinema
It smells like old popcorn, the trailers are ear-splittingly loud and someone is constantly rustling through snacks right next to your left eardrum, but the kids love it anyway. Meanwhile you’ve just sunk the best part of 50 quid to watch a film that’s bad on every level except extracting cash from the parents of undiscerning kids.
A soft play venue
Miserable enough at the best of times, soft play areas are even worse during half-term because they’re swarming with other people’s screeching offspring. And while your kids have fun jumping into ball pits, you get to sit in dead-eyed silence next to other parents while drinking lukewarm vending machine tea.
Pop Its are a sensory toy designed to relieve stress, which is pretty f**king ironic because the sound of your kids begging you to buy them another one will send your blood pressure through the roof. They’re just glorified re-usable bubble wrap made from lurid plastic, but no matter how many times you angrily explain this to your children they won’t listen.
Sweets from Poundland
Giving your kids a pound coin to blow on the sweet section will be the highlight of their week off. Meanwhile you’ll be left to shop for boring grown-up things like scouring pads or batteries. You’ll feel like a bad parent while browsing lint rollers, but they’ll appreciate this shopping trip more than that holiday in Center Parcs which took half a year to plan.