DOES a friend have a house full of pukey little signs saying things like ‘Family is where the heart is’? Here’s what they’d say if they were honest.
Dream big, but strictly in a realistic way. Because it’s just possible you’re not actually going to live in a 16th century farmhouse in the Cotswolds with the money you made from being a famous influencer on Instagram.
‘This kitchen is seasoned with love’
This kitchen is seasoned with ketchup, some oven chips you kicked under the cooker and a jar of horrifically out-of-date horseradish sauce which has been inside the fridge door for four years.
‘All a marriage needs is love’
All a marriage needs is for neither party to snore. That’s it.
‘Find a job you love, and you’ll never work a day in your life’
Find a job you love, but only if you’ve got rich parents and can survive being paid a pittance for it.
‘Best friends forever’
Unlikely to be fulfilled, even if written on a faux-ceramic plaque and accompanied by two teddies holding little hearts. More likely to be ‘Friends for a bit then gradually fade out’. Also a sign that the giver is pathologically clingy and insecure, and needs to be gradually disentangled from.
‘Our family doesn’t have to be perfect to be wonderful’
Families can be wonderful, but dirty socks and pants left everywhere can sometimes take the edge off the wonder.
‘Love will see you through’
No guarantee of that. Money and a professional qualification for a well-paid career are better.
‘Friends are the family we choose’
Friends are certainly like family in that they can be flaky, irritating and hard to shake off, and sometimes you wonder if you have anything in common with them. For example, one of your friends bought you this sign and now you have to hang it in your hall. Even your sister wouldn’t have done that to you, and she’s a cow.
‘A home is made of hopes and dreams’
A home is made of bricks and lots of insulation. Good luck finding a hope-dream home in the UK.
‘Never regret anything that made you smile’
That fling with a married guy at work made you smile, didn’t it? Now you’re divorced and rent a dingy terraced house with no parking.
‘Dance like nobody’s watching’
For God’s sake, just dance like everyone else is dancing. Stop making a drunken spectacle of yourself again.