Which evening classes will make you sound more middle class?

THERE’S no point being middle class unless you’re able to out-do everyone else. Keep ahead of the Joneses with these entitled evening classes.

Booking a ski holiday for beginners

This course will teach you how to bemoan the price, logistics and travel time of a skiing holiday for your family or child at private school. Graduates will be given photos of a luxury ski trip to share on Facebook with the nauseatingly smug caption ‘Not a bad place to spend a few weeks’.

How to complain about your second home

Even people without a second home can learn how to whinge about having a surplus of property. You’ll be taught by an actual second home owner, who will show you how to say “I can’t believe I have to pay extra stamp duty” without a twinge of embarrassment.

Quinoa 101

Covering everything from pronunciation to its devastating impact on the environment, this intensive course will demystify the most middle class of superfoods. Upon completion, successful students will even be able to pretend they enjoy eating the stuff. Le Creuset pans not provided.

Advanced Waitrose shopping

Only open to those who have completed the ‘novice snobbery’ course. Lessons will cover how to hold up the queue while you rummage for your myWaitrose card, and the best ways to ostentatiously mention the cured ham you ate on holiday in Italy at the butcher’s counter.

Visiting National Trust properties for improvers

Brush up on how to stroll around castles and mansions with this refresher course. Includes dull historical factoids to make you sound knowledgeable, eg. “Of course, Charles II was an avid collector of thimbles”, and how to conceal the fact that you’re actually quite bored. 

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'Believe in me now, bitch?' asks Covid

COVID-19 has asked President Trump if he still thinks it is ‘just the flu’ that ‘will vanish on its own’ now. 

The virus, which has infected the president and first lady Melania Trump, hopes that the couple can hear it saying ‘Now who’s the fake news, dickheads?’ from inside their bloodstreams. 

It continued: “Remember saying ‘One day, it’s like a miracle, it will disappear?’. You’d better f**king hope so, huh? 

“Sorry to get all attacking your lungs and breathing capacity about this, but sometimes you need to make your point in person. When you’ve been insulted. 

“What’s that I see fussing around your fat, old coronavirus-infected body? Doctors? But I thought you were a natural born medical genius. What do you need them for? Can’t cure me yourself?

“Who’s not worth wearing a mask for now? Who’s not worth cancelling your rallies for now? Who’s not afraid of coronavirus now, bitch? 

“Man this feels good. Hope I don’t get carried away.”