Trump optimistic after massive injection of bleach

DONALD Trump is being injected with a litre of bleach which will cure his Coronavirus.  

The president said he would be fine by tomorrow as his daughter and new personal physician Ivanka Trump erected a crude drip that will flood his circulatory system with floor cleaner.  

Trump said: “I’m getting the very best bleach here, it’s presidential grade bleach that just cleans out everything. Very top quality injecting bleach.  

“Then I’ll have a handful of those mosquito pills and some snacks, and be back on the golf course tomorrow afternoon.

“It’s no big deal. If you look at Boris, he seems really healthy now. To look at him you’d never know he’d even had it.”

He added: “I’d like to thank my medical team and also any obscure white supremacist groups with a vote to spare.”

Immunologist Dr Susan Traherne said: “Only time will tell, but apart from rank stupidity the factors against Donald Trump here are his age, weight and the collective prayers of several billion people.”

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Five things people like to believe which are total shit

ARE your beliefs a pack of nonsense which conveniently fits with your own prejudices? Check if they’re any of the following. 

You are blessed with common sense

A dubious concept, because not doing things like eating obviously undercooked chicken falls more into the category of ‘not being a f**king idiot’. Often used to make some daft political point, eg. “Global warming means I can turn the central heating down. That’s just common sense.”

Old people vote Conservative because they are wiser

Supposedly, greater life experience makes you conservative because you are more of a realist. This can easily be disproved by visiting any elderly relative who: 

● Never says anything wise.

● Has rarely left their hometown and only socialises with close relatives with exactly the same views.

● Has lots of bizarre, jaw-dropping prejudices, eg. Liverpudlians are ‘a race of thieves’. 

Jobs you don’t understand are just bullshit 

In particular, people never tire of slagging economists, despite it being a valid career. However they also tend to believe that people on £400k a year in the City get paid simply to make wild guesses and the study of philosophy is just sitting around thinking about stuff. If it’s all so piss-easy, why not do it yourself?

Conspiracies are everywhere

Not so much QAnon or JFK nonsense, more the belief that someone is always out to get you. Did a plumber charge you a bit more than one you got in four years ago? THESE GRASPING PLUMBER BASTARDS ARE ALL PUTTING THEIR PRICES UP. 

The future is impossible to predict

Popular view among Brexiters, eg. “You can’t prove Brexit won’t be a success until it’s happened”. Horrible reasoning, like saying, “I can’t prove I won’t get hit by a bus tomorrow so I may as well do an armed robbery this afternoon and enjoy the cash.”