Why the demise of French exchange trips is a good thing, by a Brexiter

POST-BREXIT rules could spell the end of French exchange trips for British schoolchildren. Leave voter Wayne Hayes explains why keeping your kids away from the French is for the best.

The French are all sex mad

If ‘Allo ‘Allo! taught us anything, it’s that the French are always running around trying to shag each other. As soon as he arrives there, the mother of the French host family will try to seduce your 17-year-old son. And how would you like it if your daughter got pregnant by some bloke who smells of Gitanes?

France is full of illegal immigrants

Even if your child survives going to France, while they’re waiting to catch the ferry back from Calais an illegal migrant could climb into their suitcase and get a free ride over here. And under this soft-touch government, you’d probably be forced to house them and get them free pizza every day.

We don’t need to learn French

Someone from UKIP told me before the referendum that the EU were going to force us all to learn foreign languages, so it’s a good job we left when we did. Why should we have to speak French? Nobody in my cul-de-sac does. English has got words for everything we need from omelettes to maisonettes.

The food’s disgusting

I’m not letting my kids go over there and eat crap like frog legs, horses, snails and garlic. I’ll stick with Tesco, thanks, rather than getting my dinner from a pond. And I’m not going to have some poncey French kid come here and turn their nose up at us when we give them McDonald’s every day.

France might get invaded

You know what would happen if France got invaded again? That’s right, they’d surrender. And you don’t want your son or daughter getting stuck across the Channel until England has to go and save the day again.

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Rappers who went a bit too far for my liking, by a Guardian reader

By Nathan Muir

WE all love the culturally vibrant art form that is rap, but it can be problematic for Guardian readers like myself. Here are some lyrics I feel the artists should consider revising.

Cop Killer, Ice-T and Bodycount

I understand BAME people’s frustration at perceived police harassment, but violence is never the solution. A more constructive lyric than ‘Die, die, die, pig, die!’ would be ‘Let’s set up a community liaison group to increase mutual understanding’. 

Black Korea, Ice Cube

I’m sorry, Mr Cube, but there is no excuse for stereotypes like: ‘So don’t follow me up and down your market/Or your little chop suey ass will be a target’. My partner Lucy and I adore Korean cuisine, and I can assure you there’s far more to it than ‘chop suey’!

Heart of the City, Jay-Z

Luckily it’s rare for a rapper to be homophobic, but it does happen. I’d have expected better of a role model like Jay-Z than ‘Faggots hate when you gettin’ money like athletes’. Rappers should try being less obsessed with money and do more songs about the benefits of yoga.

Stan, Eminem 

Relationships need to be worked at, rather than kidnapping your girlfriend and driving off a bridge. ‘Shut up bitch! I’m tryin’ to talk… that’s my girlfriend screamin’ in the trunk’ should be replaced with ‘There’s no longer a stigma attached to professional counselling’ and contact details for Relate.

The Iceberg, Ice-T

I feel a lack of respect for your partner is strongly implied by the lyric ‘Bitch’s ugly face cold spoiled his erection’. I’m starting to wonder if the rap community as a whole needs to rethink its attitude to women. Attending weekly feminist workshops would be a good start. 

Campaign Speech, Eminem

One can only assume the lyric ‘Got knives to slash and slice hermaphrodites in half’ strangely and inaccurately refers to transsexuals. Mr Mathers is lucky not to have started a vicious Twitter storm like JK Rowling, or he’d really be regretting his hateful, archaic words.