Shhh, you can't criticise the government or you'll wake the baby

THE public and media have been ordered to cease all criticism of the government immediately or they will wake the tiny lovely baby. 

The birth of Boris and Carrie Johnson’s second child this morning means that anyone attempting to voice any negative opinion will be theatrically hushed by the rest of the country so as not to disturb the little newborn. 

A Downing Street spokesman, speaking in whispers, said: “Expressions of what a lovely baby she is are permitted. Older people are allowed to exclaim ‘Bless!’ whenever she yawns. 

“But any mention of the unpleasantness of the last few days will wake the poor mite and set her to crying, and who would do that? To a wee baby? 

“The media is requested to have a heart and think of the parents, and to reflect on what awful people they would be if they intruded on their happiness in any way. 

“Sir Keir Starmer’s grating voice is certain to rouse her from peaceful slumber so he especially is not to speak a single word until January. Or nasty man will upset baby. 

“Now shhh, everyone. Shhh. No more nonsense. Baby is sleeping.”

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Have the Plan B rules successfully distracted you from the Christmas party scandal?

THE rollout of Plan B restrictions was conveniently timed to distract you from the Christmas party scandal, but did it work? Find out with our quiz.

What was your first thought this morning?

A) I’d better buy some more face masks now that I need to wear them in public spaces.

B) It’s a bit rich that Jacob Rees-Mogg didn’t get fired for joking just like Allegra Stratton.

What’s the mood like in the office?

A) Pretty downbeat. Everyone’s probably sad that we need to work from home as of next week.

B) Pretty downbeat. Everyone’s probably thinking about how our ruling elite is laughing at us.

How did you react when you heard about the restrictions?

A) I was a bit surprised. I thought they were going to introduce them next week but bringing them forwards for no reason whatsoever can’t hurt.

B) I shouted ‘Are you f**king kidding me with this diversionary bullshit?’ then screamed at a pitch only dogs can hear.

Why do you think backbenchers are furious?

A) They’re always cross about something. Today it’s the restrictions, tomorrow it’ll be an expenses scandal. Best just to keep your head down and not think about it.

B) The fact that the Christmas party scandal is haemorrhaging their already depleted reserves of credibility. At this rate they’ll only win by a slimmer majority in the next election.

Do you think the police should launch an inquiry?

A) Into what, the Plan B rules? I don’t think so, we’re just following the science so it would be a waste of their time.

B) Of f**king course, but they won’t because Cressida Dick daren’t bite the hand that feeds her.


Mostly As: The Plan B rules have successfully distracted you from the Christmas party shitshow. It must be very nice living in your naive, deluded little reality.

Mostly Bs: Congratulations, they’ve failed to pull the wool over your eyes. You’re woke to the fact that the Plan B rules are a distraction from the Christmas party scandal, which itself is a distraction from the Nationality and Borders Bill you’re oblivious to.