THE public and media have been ordered to cease all criticism of the government immediately or they will wake the tiny lovely baby.
The birth of Boris and Carrie Johnson’s second child this morning means that anyone attempting to voice any negative opinion will be theatrically hushed by the rest of the country so as not to disturb the little newborn.
A Downing Street spokesman, speaking in whispers, said: “Expressions of what a lovely baby she is are permitted. Older people are allowed to exclaim ‘Bless!’ whenever she yawns.
“But any mention of the unpleasantness of the last few days will wake the poor mite and set her to crying, and who would do that? To a wee baby?
“The media is requested to have a heart and think of the parents, and to reflect on what awful people they would be if they intruded on their happiness in any way.
“Sir Keir Starmer’s grating voice is certain to rouse her from peaceful slumber so he especially is not to speak a single word until January. Or nasty man will upset baby.
“Now shhh, everyone. Shhh. No more nonsense. Baby is sleeping.”