Woke eco-warrior has secret Amazon Prime account

A WOMAN who exhorts everyone to shop locally, live sustainably and put the planet first has a secret Amazon Prime account. 

Grace Wood-Morris of Devizes is vocal about her devotion to conscious consumption, yet remains uncharacteristically quiet about her next-day deliveries from the online behemoth.

She said: “Look, I’d like to buy everything from independent retailers who source all their product from organic farmers who respect nature and all that, but the shops round here are shit.

“I do my best to behave morally in this capitalist hellscape. My clothes are vintage, I use farm shops, I have a bloody vegetable box. But sometimes I need lightbulbs and I don’t want to drive six miles to get them.

“Amazon’s actually very eco-friendly when you live somewhere like this and need a new iPhone case, or a mindful colouring book, or a jumper for your house rabbit.

“I recycle all the cardboard and I try to order a few things at once to make sure they’re not coming out for nothing. So actually it’s fine and completely justifiable. Please don’t tell anyone.”

Neighbour Bill McKay said: “Last week she got a single bottle of hot sauce delivered on a Sunday. And she bollocks me for having a lawn sprinkler.”

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How to look sad and desperate by shagging someone much younger

AS many a married male actor in his 40s has proved, having an affair with a woman 20 years younger than you has its risks. Follow these tips to come out of it with no dignity whatsoever:

Make sure there’s no chance of it working

The age gap should be at least 20 years, but ideally more than 30 so there is no realistic chance of it being any more than a shameful fling. Everyone’s first thought should be ‘By the time she’s 40 his cock will look like a deflated party balloon.’

Have a large disparity in wealth/status

Less shameful if you’re an actor banging an actor. Really you want to go down the Rod Liddle, Paul Hollywood or Duncan Bannatyne road of banging a magazine assistant, PA or make-up artist. For maximum creepiness be their actual boss.

Do embarrassing public displays of affection

Be as physical as possible, for example mauling your young squeeze like a bear, or kissing with tongues outside a Starbucks. If people are instinctively crossing roads to put two lanes of heavy traffic between you and them, you’re on the right track.

End up in the tabloids

Only works if you’re famous, otherwise you’ll need a 60-year gap to get on the cover of That’s Life! The photos of your middle-aged gut and leathery tortoise neck will overshadow your next five acting roles.

Have daughters the same age

There’s nothing more humiliating for your family than your daughters being only a couple of years younger than this new bird. They’ll look at you over the Christmas turkey with fathomless disdain. And they’ll want to apologise to her.

Go crawling back to your partner

Claim that your marriage is stronger than ever, when everyone knows that divorce proceedings will begin in two months once your wife’s consulted with a team of slavering, vicious lawyers determined to force you into bankruptcy or playing the baddie in Jason Statham movies.