Six relationship red flags and how to ignore them

EVERY bad relationship has telltale signs that it’s toxic, unhealthy and should end immediately. Here’s how to brush them aside: 

Taking up new hobbies

If your partner has suddenly taken up an evening hobby she comes home from late and flushed, take up more hobbies yourself! How better to deny her obvious infidelity than plunging yourself into crocheting, wood-carving or competitive dog-grooming?

Never listening

Does your partner no longer pay attention to anything you say? Turn this into a plus by offloading years of resentment with zero scruples. They’re still the bad guy for ignoring you while you’re being open and honest about their arsehole friends and frankly dissatisfying lovemaking.

Little acts of unkindness

Tiny, underhand acts of unkindness, like finishing the milk leaving none for your tea, spending all night on the PS4 when you want to watch Bake-Off or sleeping with your sister are very bad signs. Paper over those cracks by having a baby! There’s nothing like a screaming infant to stop you sweating the small stuff.

They prefer the dog to you

Then start spending more time with the dog yourself. A meaningless competition for canine affection will focus your mind, piss off your partner and distract you from the desert of your sex life. It’s all about the little triumphs.

Open insults

When your partner’s insulting you to your face, it could feel like the point of no return. But turn it into passionate two-way communication by unleashing your true feelings about their wardrobe choices, hygiene habits and tiny dick. Laying into each other in front of friends, colleagues and in-laws makes it even more thrilling.


Partner has shut down emotionally to the extent that they’re no longer even registering your existence? It doesn’t have to be over. Ignore them right back, no longer eating or even sharing a bed with them, and it could begin a new era of peace and serenity for you both.

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Friendship is at the heart of everything we do, says government giving out million-pound contracts to mates

MINISTERS who gave contracts for Covid work to close associates have defended themselves by saying they were only guilty of being great friends. 

Matt Hancock admitted that he could have asked the NHS to run test-and-trace rather than Baroness Dido Harding, but that he chose to put friendship before efficiency and would not apologise for that.

He said: “Surely at a time like this, with a pandemic sweeping Britain and none of us knowing if we’ll even see next year, our friends are more important than ever.

“But it’s like our critics want it outlawed. Why? What on earth could be wrong with sticking by your mates through thick and thin?

“For the avoidance of doubt, and to reassure people that the jobs will be done well, I’m happy to be transparent about this: me and these guys ski together, we shoot together, we went to school together. They’re solid guys.

“Some mates give each other cigarettes or lifts to the train station, we give our friends key government jobs worth tens of millions and ask them to do vital public health work they’re not especially qualified to do. Not ashamed of that.

“We didn’t put the Covid contracts out to tender because we’re guided by the core value of trusting our buds. And I pity you if you don’t feel the same.”