Tier One girl loves Tier Three boy

A PAIR of lovers born in different tiers are doomed never to be together, they have confirmed. 

Grace Wood-Morris of Whitchurch in Shropshire and Oliver O’Connor of Neston in the Wirral live only 33 miles apart, but because they dwell in different tiers can never physically meet.

She said: “We yearn for each other. Every night I kiss his beautiful face on my iPad screen. But we are separated not just by one tier, but by two.

“My parents have warned me that our love is forbidden. They tell me to give up on Oli, that his lockdown will never lift, that I should find a local boy I can meet outside for socially-distanced government-sanctioned passion. But I cannot give up on my heart.”

O’Connor agreed: “I know I should accept the truth. That I will never be able to spend time with Grace because I am not allowed to meet other households outside.

“But even though I’m tier three, she is the one for me. She loves me regardless of my pariah status. Even if it means I must fight an army of Covid marshals single-handed, I will never give up on her.”

He added: “And besides, I can’t meet any other birds because Boris has shut all the pubs.”

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Middle-class woman takes Waitrose bag to Aldi

A WOMAN has admitted feeling deeply ashamed for humiliating other shoppers by using a Waitrose bag at the Aldi tills.

Francesca Johnson, who uses the budget supermarket to buy her parmesan cheese, spices and smoked ham, believed she was blending in with the rest of the customers until her packing blunder.

She said: “I’d hidden the Range Rover at the far end of the car park, I’d left my pashmina on the passenger seat, and I’d tried to emulate that downcast little walk they all do. I thought I was very convincing.

“But then I reached the tills, pulled out my reusable Waitrose woven bag, and realised I’d made a mortifying error.

“Silence fell. The checkout girl’s face curdled. I could hear every rustle as I frantically threw in my unbelievably cheap organic hummus and prosciutto.

“Nobody said a word, but I knew they were all judging me. It was written right across their faces that this flash bitch wasn’t one of them.

“I scurried out flushed with shame. I can never show my face there again. Especially after that one woman mock-curtsied as I left.”