Sunday, 16th May 2021

Sixth-former unsure which £9,000-a-year virus-riddled prison to go to

A 17-YEAR-OLD A-level student cannot decide which university he wants to be locked up in to be infected with Covid next year. 

James Bates, studying politics, history and Spanish, is enthusiastic about the prospect of being interned in one of Britain’s prestigious prison complexes in September next year, but is struggling to rank them on his UCAS form.

James said: “They all have their advantages and disadvantages. For some it’s about the city you look out at from your solitary cell, but for others it’s about the quality of tutor on your fortnightly Zoom call.

“Would I prefer to shelter from coronavirus in a vibrant place like Leeds or a quieter one like St Andrew’s? Should I spend my nine grand on a hallowed, ancient Durham plague house or a modern place of infection like Reading?

“I’m cross-referencing prospectuses with what tier the university’s in, comparing open days and the R-rate, and what’s coming through strongly is I should stay the f**k home and learn to be a spot-welder.

“There’s no point surviving the pandemic only to come out the other end with a BA in sociology from Loughborough.”