Sixth-former unsure which £9,000-a-year virus-riddled prison to go to

A 17-YEAR-OLD A-level student cannot decide which university he wants to be locked up in to be infected with Covid next year. 

James Bates, studying politics, history and Spanish, is enthusiastic about the prospect of being interned in one of Britain’s prestigious prison complexes in September next year, but is struggling to rank them on his UCAS form.

James said: “They all have their advantages and disadvantages. For some it’s about the city you look out at from your solitary cell, but for others it’s about the quality of tutor on your fortnightly Zoom call.

“Would I prefer to shelter from coronavirus in a vibrant place like Leeds or a quieter one like St Andrew’s? Should I spend my nine grand on a hallowed, ancient Durham plague house or a modern place of infection like Reading?

“I’m cross-referencing prospectuses with what tier the university’s in, comparing open days and the R-rate, and what’s coming through strongly is I should stay the f**k home and learn to be a spot-welder.

“There’s no point surviving the pandemic only to come out the other end with a BA in sociology from Loughborough.”

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The Red Wall voters' guide to electing twats

ARE you a traditional Labour voter with a grievance about immigration? Here’s how to vote in a way you’ll come to regret: 

Fail to ask valid questions

When voting, never ask if the candidate cares about you, your constituency or your economic class. Or even basic questions like ‘Would this bastard piss on me if I was on fire?’ Just remain focused on how much you don’t like the bloke leading the other party.

Do not in any way inform yourself

The track record of Alexander Johnson is not great. Pointless spending as London mayor, decades of lying, and curious taste in pole dancers. Still, he’s the sort of bloke you could go down the pub with, right? No. He’d be in the toilet every time it was his round and would pocket your lighter.

Trust your tabloid of choice

Preferably the Sun, Mail or Express, or anyone whose line on Brexit is: ‘The EU made us leave the EU and now they won’t let us leave the EU.’ They wouldn’t print these things if they weren’t true. Although they do also print articles about Meghan Markle’s body language proving she backs Isis.

Corbyn was in the IRA or something

Was he? Wasn’t he? There was definitely something about Corbyn and the IRA. Whatever. And apparently Keir Starmer supports paedophiles. It was on Facebook.

Weasel out of saying you just don’t like immigrants

Support clearly incompetent Tories on the grounds that ‘There’s no jobs round here’ or ‘Who’s listening to us?’. This is a great way of disguising your dislike of immigrants, and will certainly result in the nearest Covid testing centre to Barnsley being in Bournemouth.

Never look after your own interests

Absolutely do not vote for anything that might be relevant to your own life such as short waiting lists at a nearby, well-equipped hospital. Vote against all these woke bloody students, which of course means ‘Tory’.