subscribe
/ Sign Out

Are you a craft beer ponce?

CAN’T enjoy getting rat-arsed unless you’ve paid £13 for bizarre fruits sourced from the hamlet of Little Flouncing to be added to your ale? You’re probably a craft beer dick. Find out:

In what circumstances would you contemplate the aroma of your beer?

A) While appreciating the complexity olfactory signature of a polecat-infused IPA.
B) If concerned my mates have pissed in it while I was outside having a fag.

What are your views on enhancing beer with wedges of fresh fruit?

A) It adds a citrus frisson that really awakens the subtle nuances of the hop.
B) It’s for wankers.

Do you swish beer around your mouth?

A) Yes, my palate is my sixth sense. A gatekeeper that stands ever ready to repel mere lagers.
B) Yeah, helps get the pork scratchings out of my teeth.

What’s the ideal percentage for a beer?

A) It really depends on the aftertaste and whether it compliments the desired vision of the master brewer.
B) F**king strong mate.

Do you always ensure your beer is sourced from a sustainable brewery?

A) Yes, without an eco-friendly approach there may not be any elegantly aromatic brews for my son Ignatius to enjoy when he comes of age.
B) Who cares about 2040? I’ll have drunk myself to death by then.

ANSWERS

Mostly As: You are an absolute craft beer ponce. Put down that cherry-flavoured affront to alcoholism and get a gallon of good old fashioned British cooking lager down you.

Mostly Bs: You are an honest British beer-drinker, afraid to drink anything even slightly fruity in case a bloke called Big Mental Alan bursts into the saloon bar, calls you a puff and decks you.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday
privacy

F**ked, really f**ked, or nice and safe and Tory: the three-tier lockdown explained

THE government is introducing a three-tier lockdown system because Dominic Cummings doesn’t believe you can grasp numbers higher than three. This is how it will work: 

TIER ONE

Only subject to the usual restrictions ie Rule of Six, pub curfews, fines for not self-isolating, all those previously unthinkable restraints on your personal liberty you now accept without question. Schools still open.

For areas with high house prices in the South of England that always return a Conservative no matter what. Coincidentally. Oh, and also fewer than 100 cases per 100,000 people, not that we’ve any idea because we’ve still not got this testing thing sorted yet.

TIER TWO

Households forbidden to mix indoors or in hospitality settings, and we should really work out a way of enforcing that at some point. You will be allowed to leave your area but you’d better be bloody grateful. Schools still open.

For Red Wall areas who’ve served their purpose by giving us this lovely big thumping majority and now we could not care less about. Coincidentally. For when there are more than 100 cases per 10,000 people, like in all our other local lockdowns that haven’t worked.

TIER THREE

Pubs closed, restaurants closed, gyms closed, no social contact with any other household, no overnight stays anywhere, no leaving the area, everyone fitted with shock-collars remotely controlled by Whitehall. Daily collections of dead on carts. Schools still open.

For Merseyside and other staunchly Labour-voting areas that just will not listen to reason. Coincidentally. For ‘significantly higher rates of transmission’, and isn’t that nice and vague. Stay in your homes. The Covid marshalls in black vans will be arriving for you shortly.

Next story ›