Sunday, 1st November 2020

Are you a craft beer ponce?

CAN’T enjoy getting rat-arsed unless you’ve paid £13 for bizarre fruits sourced from the hamlet of Little Flouncing to be added to your ale? You’re probably a craft beer dick. Find out:

In what circumstances would you contemplate the aroma of your beer?

A) While appreciating the complexity olfactory signature of a polecat-infused IPA.
B) If concerned my mates have pissed in it while I was outside having a fag.

What are your views on enhancing beer with wedges of fresh fruit?

A) It adds a citrus frisson that really awakens the subtle nuances of the hop.
B) It’s for wankers.

Do you swish beer around your mouth?

A) Yes, my palate is my sixth sense. A gatekeeper that stands ever ready to repel mere lagers.
B) Yeah, helps get the pork scratchings out of my teeth.

What’s the ideal percentage for a beer?

A) It really depends on the aftertaste and whether it compliments the desired vision of the master brewer.
B) F**king strong mate.

Do you always ensure your beer is sourced from a sustainable brewery?

A) Yes, without an eco-friendly approach there may not be any elegantly aromatic brews for my son Ignatius to enjoy when he comes of age.
B) Who cares about 2040? I’ll have drunk myself to death by then.


Mostly As: You are an absolute craft beer ponce. Put down that cherry-flavoured affront to alcoholism and get a gallon of good old fashioned British cooking lager down you.

Mostly Bs: You are an honest British beer-drinker, afraid to drink anything even slightly fruity in case a bloke called Big Mental Alan bursts into the saloon bar, calls you a puff and decks you.