My favourite Disney moments, by Priti Patel

AS home secretary, I detest everyone in Britain. But I love Disney because for every sad moment like Scar being thrown to hyenas there’s a happy one, like Bambi’s mum being shot. Here are my top five: 

When Scar kills Mufasa

Mufasa makes it obvious that he’s a green, a Marxist and allows the co-existence of inferior species. The circle of life is communism. What a wonderful moment when a leader who understands how to exploit natural resources takes over. Those wildebeest aren’t your friends now, eh, hippy?

When Cruella De Vil plans her coat

My fashion icon growing up, Cruella is only thinking of how unsustainable the puppy population has become. If you have too many childen and can’t afford them, you should be glad when wealth creators step in with innovative market-led solutions.

When Robin Hood is sentenced to death

I believe in the death penalty, especially for foxes thieving hard-earned hereditary fortunes from aristocrats and robbing the poor of any chance to better themselves by giving them handouts. His death sentence from the wonderful Prince John warmed my very heart.

When Governor Ratcliffe lands in Virginia

Governor Ratcliffe in Pocahontas displays all the qualities that made Britain great, chiefly pillaging foreign lands of their riches and slaughtering the indigenous people. It devastates me when his plans are thwarted by the actions of John Smith, who seems determined to accept other cultures. What’s British about that?

When Anna and Elsa are orphaned

I don’t know what it is, but there’s something about a sinking ship in a rough sea that gets me right there. And those sisters being orphaned and their country left at the mercy of any despot with a big army. I just cannot wipe the smile off my face.

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A guide to fancying someone way, way out of your league

HOT for someone you’ve got no chance with? Follow our simple guide to pining for that perfect ten: 

Admit it won’t happen

Before you go any further, face up to the fact that the breathtakingly stunning object of your desire is more likely to be struck by lightning, then struck by lightning again, than ever wanting to be with you. Getting this out of the way makes everything that follows less awkward.

Don’t try and improve yourself

If it was as simple as wearing more deodorant or taking a weekly spin-class, gorgeous people would be dating ordinary folk all the time. Even a lottery win, plastic surgery and a personality transplant won’t meet their wildly high expectations. Wallow in what you have.

Suggest you’ve dated attractive people before

Brilliant and beautiful people never take a chance on a normal unless they have impeccable references. Alluding to your ex-partners Bella Hadid, Jeff Bezos or Marcus Rashford will subconsciously raise you in your crush’s estimation.

Mention famous couples where one’s obviously punching above

There are plenty of off-putting male celebrities with ravishing partners — Jay-Z and Beyoncé, Jennifer Lawrence and some bloke who runs an art gallery, Leonardo DiCaprio and a yacht full of models under 25. Bring them up in conversation to subtly suggest that your relationship is similar.

Settle for their less attractive friend

If all else fails, find comfort in a slightly worse version of the same. Imagine you’re buying a supermarket own-brand version of a product you enjoy because you can’t afford the proper kind. That should make you feel better.