Woman doing expensive things she hates to justify living in London

A LONDONER has spent the weekend engaged in high-cost activities she dislikes because otherwise she might as well live in Leicester. 

Sophie Rodriguez, a barrister who shares a three-bed apartment in zone four, went to see a painfully earnest play then for a meal out she will refer to as ‘totally incredible’ whenever justification for living in London is needed, which is often.

She said: “Where else can you see a blistering indictment of Britain’s colonial past the Guardian gave five stars then queue for Peruvian-Korean fusion? Where but London?

“The play was so powerful, by which I mean they shouted directly at us for two hours, and the food place doesn’t take reservations or have chairs but it was so incredible. You’d never have a night like that in Wrexham.

“When you’re living in one damp room and have a bathroom rota, you owe it to yourself to get out there and experience the best London has to offer. Well, not the best. The best for your price bracket which is more than you can afford.

“Okay, I’ll never be able to afford property, but who needs that when London offers the chance to wear an orange jumpsuit at an immersive prison cocktail experience? At £17 per gin?

“I wouldn’t live anywhere else. And best of all, now I’ve done this I won’t have to do it again for months.”

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The five types of loser still wishing you happy birthday on Facebook

MOST people only use Facebook to show off photos of their new house keys and engagement rings. But these five losers still insist on writing ‘happy birthday’ on your wall.

The elderly relative

Having got to grips with ‘The Facebook’ later in life, your great aunt Brenda isn’t about to start WhatsApping you a happy birthday GIF. Instead, she’s going to remain on her preferred drip-feed of conspiracy theory bullshit and bombard her friends with endless inspirational quotes. Yes, she’s an oddball for using Facebook to wish you happy birthday, but when did you last send her a card?

The random nutter from school

No birthday would be complete without that weird kid from your form group writing a touching ‘Happy birthday mate’ on your wall. It’s as traditional as candles on a cake. After giving his post a mandatory like, you’ll check his profile and discover he’s flogging a suspicious amount of electrical goods on Facebook Marketplace, cash only. You will not communicate for another year.

That friend of a friend you met twice

Perhaps you played five-a-side with this person a couple of times. Or maybe you got trapped talking to them on a night out. Either way, they instantly added you on Facebook and have punctually wished you happy birthday for the last decade. Is this a cry for attention? Don’t they have real friends to talk to? Too late to ask now, just comment ‘ta’ and move on.

An old colleague you couldn’t stand

Well, well, well. The office manager you couldn’t stand who never organised an obligatory Colin the Caterpillar cake and awkward sing-song around your desk when you actually worked together is now writing happy birthday on your wall. You should do the mature thing and unfriend them, but you’re getting a twisted kick out of this. Karma’s a bitch.

Someone you met on holiday in 2006

Ah, Magaluf 2006, what a holiday. You pulled nobody, spent all your time getting sunburnt by the pool, and befriended some guy from Leicester who now writes “HB x” on your wall every year. You know practically nothing about him and your whole relationship is built on this exchange of meaningless well wishes. In other words it’s the typical male friendship.