subscribe
/ Sign Out

Parents' expectations way too high for 'meeting' between new baby and friend

A COUPLE are expecting far too much from an inconsequential meeting between their oblivious baby and their uninterested friend.

Anxious parents James and Emma Bradford are placing an undue amount of pressure on their two-week-old baby with no social skills in the run-up to him meeting friend Nikki Hollis who is only visiting out of obligation because she was nearby anyway.

Mum Emma said: “This has to go perfectly but there’s so much that could go wrong. Little Tommy could be sick, or Nikki might not be able to strike up a baby-talk conversation with him that he won’t remember.

“What if they don’t get on? What if Tommy shrieks the entire time? Not only does that make us look like bad parents, but there’s also no way Nikki will want to babysit him when we’ve reached our limit. This is more stressful than giving birth.

“If everything goes smoothly I’ll be able to read into it that Tommy has the makings of a future diplomat. And Nikki will have to nod along and agree because you can’t say anything mean about someone else’s kid. Which works in my favour because this guy’s a little shit.”

Hollis said: “Oh yeah, there it is. Cute. Can we open the Prosecco now?”

Smash burgers and other food trends you'd happily never hear about again

BRITISH food has always had a bad reputation, but at least it wasn’t this social media-fuelled bollocks you could easily live without.

Sandwiches you have to queue for

Sandwiches are the depressing last resort of people who forgot to make lunch and cannot be bothered to go to Greggs. Or at least they were when they knew their place. Now, for some reason, grotesque meat-stuffed focaccias are being flogged by a tiny bakery that’s gone viral for £15 a pop. Clearly this is a sign of civilisation in decline.

Dirty fries

Once reserved for describing those magazines your dad kept under his bed, the word ‘dirty’ is now applied to chips that have been tarted up with cheese, pickles and pulled pork. Apparently ketchup doesn’t suffice any more, and waiters seem to deeply resent it when you ask them to bring some over. Even though it should be included as standard. Philistines.

Smash burgers

Also known as: burgers. Just because the mince has been smushed around on the grill a bit that doesn’t make them special. They still taste of charred cow, they still clog your arteries, the only difference is that they cost a tenner more than a regular burger. Go to Burger King instead, it’s much better and you get to eat off a colourful tray.

Pumpkin spiced shit

Everyone goes mental when pumpkin spiced season rolls around, but why? Nobody actually tastes it, so Starbucks baristas might as well sprinkle shavings of rust scraped from boat hulls into your latte. If you really want to add some pumpkin to your diet, you could eat a miraculous, timely squash to your diet which is called a ‘pumpkin’.

Vegan nonsense

Vegan food is fine. If you must eat it, that’s on you. What doesn’t make sense though is all the bizarre naming that goes along with it. They’re not cluckless nuggets, they’re lumps of tofu that have been dipped in a fryer. It’s not a Moving Mountains burger, it’s a disc of unidentifiable protein and mushrooms. Like vegans, they should get over themselves.

Tomahawk steaks

You’ve got social media sensation Salt Bae to thank for this bollocks that has infected the rest of the world. If you’ve ever been presented with a hunk of cow so rare that it looks like it’s still alive, that’s his fault. You’re not even supposed to eat it, it exists purely for the Gram so you can show off how out-of-touch with reality you are.

Next story ›