Extra hour to be completely wasted by all

THE extra hour created by the clocks going back will not be put to good use by anyone, it has been confirmed.

Instead of being spent productively by reading books or sorting pensions, the bonus hour will be slept through by everyone at first and then gradually adjusted to with nothing worthwhile to show for it.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “The morning after the clocks go back is always odd. You feel all smug as you wind back your watch, then you fritter away that lead by scrolling on your phone.

“You squander more time by telling your friends how weird everything feels, then the last few precious minutes get swallowed up while you wait at a traffic light. Before you know it, the hour is gone completely.

“You could have baked a cake with that time, watched an episode of The Sopranos, or even started your Christmas shopping. But instead you make the same mistakes as you do every year, along with everyone else. It’s tragic.

“Time doesn’t come back, you know. You’ve only got a finite amount of it left, and it’s dwindling away second-by-second as you march towards your inevitable death, which lasts forever.”

Kelly Howard from Newquay said: “Rubbish. I had an extra-long lie-in then a wank, time well spent.”

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London Zoo, British Museum: Six places where it's inappropriate, but possible, to get drunk

GETTING pissed in the pub is beginner shit. Advanced drinkers should head to these places where it’s weird to get half-cut, but still possible.

London Zoo

A family trip to see the butterfly house, the Gorilla Kingdom and the petting zoo sounds like the epitome of wholesomeness, hardly the sort of place you would hold a stag do. However, alcohol is available in the zoo’s cafe. Were you minded to, you could get sozzled by mid-afternoon then start a fight with a chimpanzee for eyeing up your missus. It would win though.

A Catholic church

Wine is freely available at Catholic services, signifying the blood of Christ. You’ll have a hard job getting pissed on Jesus juice though as you’re only allowed to take a tiny sip. A hearty gulp could send you on your way, but you’re better off pairing it with a hip flask brought from home. Anything to fortify you for the dreary f**king hymns you’ll have to endure.

Your eight-year-old child’s birthday

You’re going to need it. While your kid is running around shrieking with dozens of other little terrors, you can sneak a few swigs from a bottle of Prosecco that you purchased specially to take the edge off. Make sure you keep it secret from other parents though, they’re going to want to get in on the action.

Buckingham Palace

Sure, it looks like a classy joint on the surface. But Buckingham Palace is so flush with cash you know all the guests are likely treated to unlimited refills of the finest plonk in the land. In fact you’d look like the odd one out if you weren’t slurring your words while greeting the Ambassador for Macedonia or wherever. It would be your patriotic duty to do at least two tactical pukes.

Your  kid’s hamster’s funeral

There weren’t any formal invites for this back garden ceremony, so it’s not technically wrong that you’re drunk as you watch a shoe box solemnly lowered into the ground. Anyway, funerals are supposed to be a celebration of life. The dearly departed Skittles would want you to see them off with a six-can salute.

The British Museum

To be fair, getting blind drunk in the British Museum would be the least dodgy thing to happen under its problematic roof. Compared to all the treasures stolen by the empire, knocking back a shot by the Elgin Marbles or sneaking a snifter by the Rosetta Stone is relatively innocent. Just try not to accidentally knock anything over, they’ve been through enough.