Woman hopes to be remembered for perfect middle-class lifestyle

A WOMAN who has an enviable figure, an Audi Q5 and a walk-in wardrobe is hoping her legacy will live on, it has emerged.

Joanna Kramer, 42, is hoping to be remembered as a woman who attained middle-class living perfection long after the dust settles on her Alessi kitchen utensils.

Kramer said: “It’s been an incredibly tough journey and one that by no-means is over but I think the wet room I’ve had built mixes enough style with utility to make generations to come proud.

“In a world that’s constantly changing it’s almost impossible to know if you’ve chosen the right kitchen counter. But I strongly believe when the children look back they’ll think marble matched their mother’s brand values.

“Who knows what the future holds? Last year it was skinny jeans now a looser fit is back in. But style is a small part of my legacy compared with the hundreds of online petitions I’ve signed.

“They’re a bloody nuisance but it’s part of my legacy, that and my pinterest boards.”

Kramer added: “Will they remember me as ‘the Michelangelo of the middle-class’? It’s my Twitter and Instagram handle so hopefully.”


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Diets put on hold until this World War 3 thing is figured out

THE looming threat of World War III has led to millions of diets being put on hold.

The Institute for Studies found that despite the desire to have a ‘beach body’ for the summer, people are now thinking that being forced to eat nothing but rats and old newspapers in a post-apocalyptic wasteland would be sufficiently ‘low carb’.

Dieter, Emma Bradford said, “I haven’t eaten chocolate for 3 weeks. Or chips or lard or chips cooked in lard.

“But then when I saw the news I thought, ‘bollocks to that’.”

She added: “I’ll now be spending the evening eating lard straight from the wrapper whilst digging a big, safe hole in my garden.”

“And it’ll now have to be a slightly bigger hole than it would have been yesterday.”

Fellow dieter, Martin Bishop added: “If we’re all going to be vaporised into piles of dust then I may as well be a slightly bigger pile of dust.”