Student to do three years of work in next ten weeks

A STUDENT has announced that she will be spending the next two-and-a-half months completing three full years of work, as planned.

Joanna Kramer, studying for a history degree at Leicester University, has attended six lectures for her own courses plus four film studies ones when she was chasing a tall hipster.

She said: “Okay. Six dissertations, five exams, everything I was meant to be learning since I was a callow girl of 18 in the time it takes to watch a box-set.

“Always knew it’d be hard, but I promised myself I wouldn’t bitch. I knew when I was enjoying my years of doing absolutely fuck-all there would be a price.

“It seems stupid with uni being so expensive, but it only makes your free time all the more valuable. When it’s costing this much why waste it working?

“Christ, what the fuck is the Jacobite rising? Is this even my course?”

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A four-point guide to small talk

‘So… which song do you sing in your head while brushing your teeth?’ – just one of the things one might ask in a panic while trying to make small talk with a stranger. Don’t worry – The Mash guide to small talk will make it seem like you have rudimentary social skills.

1. Get shit-faced
Getting drunk will give you inspiration for cool, winning things to say. Getting too drunk and throwing up on someone’s favourite Italian loafers is also a great ice breaker. Make sure to mix your drinks.

2. Pretend you don’t understand how basic jobs work
Ask a lot of detailed questions about someone’s profession, as if you’ve never heard of it before. ‘Oh, you’re a primary teacher? What does that involve? Children?’. People like it when you ask questions.

3. Smile, nod and stare at them like a psycho
Perfect your ‘that’s so fascinating’ smiling and nodding combo while also making such intense eye contact that, by the end of it, you’ll feel like you’ve been staring into the sun.

4. Tell them they’re incredibly boring and walk away
At a party, rudely walking away from someone mid conversation is totally acceptable. But if you’re the sort of person who cares about other people’s ‘feelings’ then you could always just pretend that you’ve spotted someone better and more interesting.