Woman who 'loves hoovering' will never be able to hoover away her terrible secret

A WOMAN who claims she ‘loves hoovering’ is trying to erase something deeply sinister from her past, her family suspects.

Barry Jones said his wife Susan ‘has always quite enjoyed hoovering’, but added: “Lately she’s been hoovering an awful lot, while muttering stuff like ‘it was my money anyway’ and ‘I covered my tracks’.

“Sometimes she goes into a sort of trance, and keeps hoovering the same bit of carpet over and over. She comes out of it by screaming for about 30 seconds, and then she acts all cheerful, like she doesn’t realise what she’s just done.

“I don’t really know what to do. On the one hand, it’s terrifying the kids, but on the other, the carpets really are spotless.”

Susan Jones said: “I don’t know what everyone’s so worked up about. I’ve had a totally normal, murder-free life and there’s absolutely nothing gnawing away at my conscience round the clock, keeping me awake at night and haunting my dreams.

“I need to buy a new Dyson, but it’s okay I can easily afford it.”

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Quiz: Are you a vegetarian for moral reasons or because you've got nothing else going on?

You’ve stopped eating meat. Is it because of the ethical implications, or because you’ve literally got nothing else to do? Take this simple test:

How much do you talk about being vegetarian to all your friends?

A) I literally cannot stop talking about how I don’t eat meat to everybody I meet. Be it a friend, an acquaintance, or a busy man on the phone in front of me at Starbucks.

B) Only when it’s relevant to the conversation.

Do you have any other hobbies of note?

A) No, but why do I need one? After work I’m busy eating vegetables and pointing out how much healthier I feel since becoming a vegetarian and how I don’t even miss meat anymore.

B) Yes, I play a sport once a week and/or do something creative and fulfilling with my spare time.

Do you actually have morals?

A) Yeah, definitely. I do loads of stuff. Yesterday I thought about buying Fairtrade chocolate but it wasn’t in the Tesco meal deal so I put it back. I blame Tesco.

B) Yes, I have an internal moral and ethical code that I consistently adhere to. I make well informed, considerate choices about how my actions as an individual can benefit society as a whole.

Mostly As: You’ve got nothing else going on in your life. Don’t kid yourself with your bullshit morals, you’re only doing this because you can’t remember the last good thing you did. The Vegetarian Society would rather you started eating meat again. Because they hate you.

Mostly Bs: You’re a vegetarian for moral reasons. Good for you, but also, shut up.