Woman who used her savings to buy a house thinks she's poor now

A WOMAN who used her immense savings to purchase a house is now under the impression that she is living in poverty.

Emma Bradford came to the conclusion that she was poor while checking her bank account from the comfort of one of the many rooms she now owns.

Bradford said: “The other day I was flush with cash, and now all I’ve got to show for it is a roof over my head. What gives?

“I feel as poor as a Dickensian family all crammed into a single tiny room. The only difference is that all of mine are massive and I live by myself. Plus I’ve got BritBox.

“Everyone says I’ll be making a huge saving compared to renting, but it doesn’t feel like that right now. I’ve barely got two pennies to rub together until I get paid again in a few days.”

Stepping from her en suite master bedroom onto her balcony, Bradford added: “I think my phone’s buggered too. Whenever I tell friends who don’t own their own home about my destitution I hear a strange noise like teeth grinding. That’ll cost a few quid to fix.

“Maybe I should rent out this place at an exorbitant price and use the profits to buy another house. I’ve heard that’s what people do and it seems to be brilliant for everyone involved.”

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Swotty git who took mocks seriously feeling smug as f**k

A STUDENT who bothered to revise for his mock exams is feeling unbearably pleased with himself as he waits to find out his A-level results.

Oliver O’Connor endured months of being called a ‘f**king square’ for spending weekends studying, and is now exacting his revenge by being extremely smug.

O’Connor said: “Everyone says mocks don’t count, and usually they’re right, but I have been gifted a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to feel superior thanks to an unexpected, deadly pandemic.

“All those kids who were planning to slack off a bit and revise properly later will now be fighting their way through clearing whilst I’m planning my cool new uni name. I’m thinking something like ‘Oz’.

“There’s always a chance mocks might be important. I don’t want to say ‘I told you so’, but as I said to Lucy earlier, ‘I told you so’. I hope she heard my wise words over her sobs.”

Fellow student Jordan Gardner said: “We’re all a bit too old to give the swotty bastard a wedgie these days, but since I’m going to South Bank uni now he can have one for old times’ sake.”