Five ways your parents are being a pain in the arse during the heatwave

THE unusually hot weather is providing your parents with many exciting new ways to pester you. Here is some of their worst nonsense.

Telling you to drink hot tea 

Mums will insist you do this because obviously the only truly refreshing drink in a heatwave is a cup of scalding hot water. Apparently it cools you down, but this could just be mum bollocks handed down the generations. Just hope she hasn’t murdered your dad with heatstroke by making him drink three.

Making you pop round to fix the printer

Is ‘popping round’ really a good idea right now, with tarmac melting in front of your eyes and savage lightning storms? What the heck, of course you’ll drive for 45 minutes in an oven-like car to push the power cable a bit further into the back of your mum’s printer.

Refusing to use their fan

While the nation swelters, your parents have a powerful yet quiet fan from John Lewis which is kept strictly in its box in a cupboard. You’re concerned because they’ve said they get dangerously hot at night, but the fan is not coming out because they’re worried about how much electricity it will use. Naturally, they have not investigated whether it’s actually very economical.

Hassling you about suncream

You’re actually wearing a SPF 50 moisturiser but your mum won’t believe it’s effective unless you’re covered in a thick layer of greasy, slicked-on gloop like when you were a kid.

Sleeping with all the windows firmly closed because of burglars

Your parents would love a nice breeze at night but they can’t open the upstairs bedroom window, not even a sliver, because of burglars. Despite living in a low-crime area, apparently the nation’s thieves are queuing up to precariously scale the side of the house and make off with their John Lewis fan, ancient printer and a hundredweight of Yorkshire tea bags.

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I got shit A-levels and look at me now, says Gavin Williamson

EDUCATION secretary Gavin Williamson has reminded the nation that all he got was a BSc from the University of Bradford and look at him now. 

The minister comforted students awarded bad A-level grades by an algorithm by revealing that his own academic results were mediocre and now he is in high office. 

He said: “None of this Eton for me. I went to a state school, my grades weren’t fantastic and I never got a fancy degree. 

“I’ve had to work my way up through being a fireplace salesman, which I left under a bit of a cloud after an office romance that could have destroyed my marriage, and running a pottery firm in the shithole that is Stoke-on-Trent. 

“I only got into government 10 years ago. I supported May, who was hopeless. I supported Remain, but now I’m supporting Johnson, who’s heading for no-deal Brexit and is even worse than May. I got sacked as defence secretary but still I’ve risen to the top by being an utterly disposable yes man. 

“My own pitiful political initiatives have included a clampdown on car boot sales and smearing Corbyn with that Czech spy rubbish.

“I think all this shows that no matter what mistakes you make you can still succeed in life, as I will continue to do until I’m forced to resign when this whole back-to-school plan goes tits up at some point in November.”