The middle aged person's guide to lying about your teenage years

AS A-level results come out, you may be tempted to reminisce about your own teenage years. Here’s how to pretend you weren’t a terminally awkward nerd.

Claim you were supercool about exams

Casually say “I just got on with them” or “I always knew there was more to life than exams”. Decades later you’re probably no longer in touch with any former classmates who might point out that actually you wet yourself in terror during GCSE maths.

Say you went to a lot of parties

However geeky you were as a teenager, you would have gone to at least some parties. Imply your teen years were basically Skins, even if the parties you went to were only attended by five other unpopular male friends and you were rationed to two cans of Skol by Simon’s mum.

Exaggerate any drug use

If you once had one puff on a badly rolled joint, you were into drugs. Be warned though – there’s a slim chance you may be in the company of an ageing ex-raver who whips out the Rizlas and asks you to roll up some skunk while he chops the coke and MDMA powder.

Use a very loose definition of having a girlfriend/boyfriend

Did you once sort-of snog someone for about three seconds at an alcohol-free youth disco? That will do for claiming you had a girlfriend/boyfriend and, by implication, lost your virginity effortlessly. Convince yourself this lie is fine by thinking of present-day Americans who believe they’re dating if they go for a coffee with someone.

Be enigmatic

Heavily hint you were a teenage rebel into underage drinking and scrapes with the law. Don’t reveal the less exciting truth that your illicit drinking was your dad letting you have a lager top to celebrate your A-levels and your run-in with the cops was being told not to cycle on the pavement.


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'Sell a lung': Rishi Sunak's guide to riding out the recession

HI, Rishi fans. Everyone agrees I’m great but it looks like those pesky hard times have arrived. Sad face. Here’s how to make ends meet in the ongoing financial shitstorm.

Sell your organs

You don’t need your appendix and you can get by on one kidney, so why not chuck them on eBay and see who’s interested? Of course the big bucks will be in lungs. If your respiratory organs are in good nick there’s a huge market out there. Maybe keep one back for personal use though.

Be rich

Having lots of money is one of the best ways not to be poor. Time to get that top job at an investment bank NOW! Plus you can use your cash to buy fortifications for your home, which will come in handy when society collapses and mobs arrive wanting to eat your pets. With Brexit in January, we’re talking February 1st at the latest.

Rob a bank

Now that face masks are commonplace your bandit scarf won’t arouse suspicion when you enter the bank. It’ll still be difficult to keep a low profile while piling bundles of bank notes into a sack with a big pound sign on it, but nobody can lay a finger on you due to social distancing.

Invent a vaccine

We’ll buy it off you for £1,500 – and that is a promise. Can you be the person with no scientific training who manages to pull it off? We only need one vaccine so this really is a first-come-first-served deal though, so get cracking. And don’t just send us some bleach. That doesn’t work.

Hibernate for a few years

Line the cardboard box your fridge came in with some straw, chuck in a few Mars bars for nourishment, then settle down for a long snooze with your phone alarm set for the year 2025 at the earliest. When you wake up all of this will have blown over! Or got much worse. See you then! Rishi xxx.