TODAY’S A-level results have been calculated using factors such as whether students’ parents own a big house, shop at Waitrose and have lots of books.
The government felt the highest estimated grades should simply go to the most privileged pupils, which is roughly how education works anyway.
A spokesman said: “A double-garaged, seven-bedroom house with rows of shelves containing Tolstoy and Ian McEwan, plus regular Waitrose deliveries, pretty much guarantees an A*.
“At the other end of the academic spectrum, a pokey semi where the bookcase is used to store DVDs and Rustlers microwave burgers are consumed means a U.
“Of course these aren’t the only indicators of academic ability we’re using. Students whose parents own a massive silver high-tech fridge like a wardrobe are probably just naturally bright, so they’ll get at least a B.”
A-level student Josh Hudson said: “I was really worried because I failed my mocks due to doing almost no work for two years in favour of DJing in my bedroom and smoking weed.
“Luckily my chartered accountant parents really pulled something out of the bag by having a massive conservatory and regular skiing holidays. I’m a genius.”