A-level results based on how nice your parents' detached house is

TODAY’S A-level results have been calculated using factors such as whether students’ parents own a big house, shop at Waitrose and have lots of books.

The government felt the highest estimated grades should simply go to the most privileged pupils, which is roughly how education works anyway. 

A spokesman said: “A double-garaged, seven-bedroom house with rows of shelves containing Tolstoy and Ian McEwan, plus regular Waitrose deliveries, pretty much guarantees an A*.

“At the other end of the academic spectrum, a pokey semi where the bookcase is used to store DVDs and Rustlers microwave burgers are consumed means a U.

“Of course these aren’t the only indicators of academic ability we’re using. Students whose parents own a massive silver high-tech fridge like a wardrobe are probably just naturally bright, so they’ll get at least a B.”

A-level student Josh Hudson said: “I was really worried because I failed my mocks due to doing almost no work for two years in favour of DJing in my bedroom and smoking weed.

“Luckily my chartered accountant parents really pulled something out of the bag by having a massive conservatory and regular skiing holidays. I’m a genius.” 

 

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Six reasons why sharing a bed is totally mental

RESEARCH has shown that sleeping apart can improve relationships, but what’s baffling is why anyone thought it was a good idea in the first place. Here are the issues: 

It ruins your sleep

Beds are for sleeping. Having a partner in there snoring, stealing the cover, babbling nonsense and getting up for a wee every three hours is such a guaranteed way to keep you awake, it’s like letting a wild tiger loose in your house to stop you worrying about burglars.

Farts

Flatulence is unavoidable and natural, but it does somewhat reduce your partner’s sexual mystique if they’re parping away like a tuba. And if they believe subjecting you to a ‘Dutch oven’ – farting under the duvet then forcing you under – is acceptable, you need to split up.

Your behaviour is policed

Suddenly basic human freedoms like staying up to see the last bit of Skyfall or eating a whole packet of Hob-Nobs in bed are verboten as your partner becomes a tyrant obsessed with ‘work in the morning’. And forget about your go-to-sleep wank.

Sex doesn’t take that long

Even if you’ve got a great sex life, does 15 minutes of intercourse really require you to spend another seven hours in the same place? You don’t eat your dinner then spend an evening at the table with the empty plate. Probably don’t share this analogy with your partner.

Dreams

Even if your partner doesn’t kick you to death during a nightmare about sharks, they will tell you about their dreams when they wake. Which is fine if you enjoy tedious, logic-free tales about painting a bicycle with Bob Mortimer.

Sweat

In hot weather your own sweat is bad enough, without waking up next to a slimy humanoid creature with matted hair like something out of a Japanese horror movie.