Six songs to add to your Pissing Off The Whole Park playlist

CHILLING in the park? Brought your Bluetooth speaker? Keen for everyone and their dog to hear your latest music mix? These six classics will get on everyone’s tits: 

Boombastic by Shaggy

This funky island groove is sure to convince families having picnics that they’re on a Caribbean getaway, not a patch of grass near the duck pond. For added flare, get up and skank, gesturing to your crotch during the ‘Mr Lover Lover’ bit.

Mr Blue Sky by the Electric Light Orchestra

Such a happy, peppy summer staple everyone will have heard it a hundred sodding times already, so why not play it again, loudly with distorted bass? The earworm of a chorus will have everyone in the immediate vicinity rhythmically wincing for days to come.

In the Summertime by Mungo Jerry

In case those sunbathers have forgotten, it’s summertime! Which means it’s high time to bust out horny songs from the 60s sung by men with muttonchops. Blow your empty beer bottle along in time for a truly horrible, toe-curling effect.

Who Let The Dogs Out? by Baha Men

Because if you’re only playing music to irritate, why go for half-measures? This full-on f**k-off-everybody classic will have people wincing a mile away as they catch a strain of it on the wind.

Pow! (Forward) by Lethal Bizzle

Lethal is a lovely chap, personable and approachable, but this song is so aggressively in-your-face it remains banned in grime clubs for starting too many fights. And it’s very likely you can say the same about anyone playing it at top volume in the park.

Anything by Ed Sheeran

There are so many fantastic options from the ginger troubadour’s back catalogue all carefully calculated to push that guy eating his lunch over the edge. Whether it’s the one from the M&S advert or the one from everyone’s weddings, you’ll collect stern looks and maybe even a ASBO.

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Just because there's been a recession under every Tory government for the last 100 years doesn't mean it's our fault

by Michael Gove, Chancellor of the Duchy of Lancaster

YES, there’s a recession on. Yes, it’s the deepest since records began. But just because once again it’s under a Tory government doesn’t mean it’s our fault. 

You people – the media, the so-called experts, the electorate – are so quick to pin the blame on the Conservatives just because we’re always in power when the economy goes into decline.

But not one of the five recessions on our watch in the last century has been anything to do with us. On the contrary, you should be thanking us for leading the country out of them.

This one, for example, is clearly not our fault. It’s coronavirus. The fact that it’s the worst of any G7 nation is frankly irrelevant.

And don’t try blaming us for the 90s one. I don’t know if you’ve met any of those people from the 90s, but they were very irresponsible with their spending and, conversely, their saving.

Thatcher’s 80s recession was necessary medicine, the 1970s one was the unions, anyone trying to pin the 1961 one on Harold Macmillan should be ashamed of themselves, and 1956, well, ask your granddad.

Conversely the two recessions that happened under Labour were 100 per cent them. Gordon Brown single-handedly caused that last one and don’t let them wriggle out of the 70s one with any oil crisis nonsense.

So just drop it. We’re the Tories. We’re the party you can trust on the economy, and don’t you bloody forget it. Ungrateful bastards.