Recreate your hellish furnace of an office at home

YOU should be spending this week sweating it out in a roasting, unventilated office resembling a circle of hell. Recreate it at home: 

Commute in your airing cupboard

Every office day should begin with a lengthy commute in conditions illegal for livestock. Cram your entire family, all wearing business suits, into the airing cupboard and stay there for 40 minutes or until one of you faints.

Install broken air-conditioning

Tantalise yourself with the possibility of refreshing, cool air while ensuring that it works only to the extent of making a whirring sound. Get up and hit it occasionally while sending angry emails to an outsourced facilities manager who promises it will be repaired by the end of October.

Ensure windows only open two millimetres

Your working environment should be as suffocating as possible, like the mouth of an active volcano. The only function of the window is for you to stare through it at people who are not inside and who are enjoying a fun summer’s day, just like you cannot.

Spend two hours in Windowless Meeting Room B

Black out the windows of your home’s smallest room, seal it until the air becomes stale and stuffy until you can hardly breathe, then shut yourself in for your Zoom meeting. Make sure that colleague who elongates every meeting with pointless, inane questions is invited. Continue for half-an-hour longer than you can bear.

Mock yourself with a fan

Fans make you feel the heat even more by just blowing the stifling air back into your sweaty, tomato-red face. For the real office experience, always have two fans fewer than necessary positioned to cool areas you’re not in and ban yourself from adjusting them.

Slow time to a crawl

Finally, install a clock that ticks backwards. Achieve absolutely nothing as you slowly boil alive. Fantasise about walking into the sea and never returning. This is what it’s all about.

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Dad would rather die of dehydration than buy bottled water

A DAD would rather die of dehydration than buy bottled water, he has confirmed. 

Joe Turner, aged 57, has maintained a firm stance on not paying what comes from the tap for free throughout his life and insists he will continue to do so whatever the British summer throws at him.

Son Simon said: “We’ve always found dad’s ‘tap water only’ stance quite amusing.

“When a waiter asks him if he would like a mineral water and he looks at them like they’ve just shit in his hand, it’s great.

“But it’s less funny during a heatwave, when he’s refusing to stop at the corner shop on a dog walk despite looking like he’s going to keel over. Dad. It’s a quid. Choose your health over your principles.”

Joe Turner said: “Paying? For water? What’s next, paying for air? Stop your bloody fussing, I’m fine.

“You know what ‘Evian’ spells backwards? Exactly. I got a good laugh out of that from the nurse changing my IV when I was admitted to hospital for heat exhaustion.”