IS there any nobler calling than grassing up refugees fleeing war zones? I think not. Here’s my guide to tirelessly standing guard over Britannia’s borders.
Find the right vantage point
You’ll need protection from the elements for long stints of coastal observation, so I’d suggest a pub. Ideally one with Spitfire on tap. Neck a couple of sharpeners to ensure you can spot the offenders, pop 40p in a seafront telescope and you’re away.
Get up early
Not to spot the invaders making a dawn crossing, but so you can be on breakfast news. They’ll still have me on GMTV, even though most of this immigration bullshit is my fault in the first place.
Be ready for rough stuff
Migrants aren’t like us and may react unpredictably when challenged by a former president of the Rotary Club, so make sure you’ve got the stomach for witnessing unpleasant scenes as the police take all the risks and you film it on your phone.
Hire a boat
A photo-op no TV crew will be able to resist, and you can pretend you’re Drake, Nelson or Captain Edward Smith. Obviously I’d like to be armed with cannons to sink the buggers, but I’d lose my £120 deposit on the sightseeing boat. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you health-and-safety Britain.
Use hysterical language
Even if all you’re doing is hanging around Dover making a nuisance of yourself while asylum seekers get processed, talk about ‘invasion’ and ‘national humiliation’. If terrified grannies can’t sleep for worrying about the Arabs taking over, you’ve done the right thing.
Don’t forget the other borders
I’m focusing on the Channel at the moment, but do we really want the Welsh and Scottish swarming across our land borders? I think you can guess my opinion.