Woman whose house is already full of fairy lights struggling to add more

A WOMAN who has already draped every available surface in her house with fairy lights is struggling to add more for Christmas. 

Charlotte Phelps of Crumpsall already has curtains of fairy lights on walls and strings of fairy lights winding around shelves and banisters, but feels she needs more to make her flat festive.

She said: “Like most millennials I live in a nasty rented flat and my only view is of stabbings outside a chicken shop, so I’ve tried to solve all those problems with lighting.

“I’ve got fairy lights heaped in decorative jars, running over wardrobes, lighting musty corners, and of course on the headboard and footer of my bed. I’ve never made love without the ambient glow of fairy lights and I pity anyone who has.

“But at this time of year I see everyone gaily lighting their houses and, as the fairy light queen, feel I should join in. After all this place is still dingy, dim and depressing.

“Christmas tree? F**k off, I’ve barely got room for chairs. Putting them on the outside of the flat? You don’t want to draw attention to yourself round here. Using them as carpet? Sadly impractical, I’ve tried.

“I’ve got it. I’ll get the weatherproof kind and pile them up in the toilet bowl. Every piss will be an underlit seasonal joy.”

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Radio 1 and a whiff of fag smoke: five signs builders are nearby

THERE’S increased activity near your home, and you suspect that it may be an infestation of builders. These are the signs: 

Radio 1

What is that irritating burbling in your ears, and why does it keep asking you to text in? Not tinnitus, but the distant clatter of post-Yewtree Radio 1 emanating from a plaster-crusted digital radio. The chart-topping sounds are audible over the shrill whines of angle-grinders and percussive hammer drills, however much you wish they weren’t.

Local businesses flourishing

Nothing supports local commerce more than a gang of builders. The newsagent will confirm that turnover has tripled, with sales of pasties, scratch-cards, and tabloid newspapers through the roof. Pub landlords and takeaway owners will concur. Astonishingly, they feel this is a good thing.

Neighbours gossiping

Your neighbours are not ones to congregate, but now form into knots on street corners sharing information about the house with the skip outside, alive with speculation as to what Satanic renovation or extension could be causing this unforgivable inconvenience. It will be agreed whoever it is must have earned the money immorally.

Vans everywhere

Dirty Ford Transits and a flatbed full of scaffolding parked on the pavement with a ‘no pies are left in this vehicle overnight’ sticker on the back? The spoor of builders. If the dashboard is two feet deep in crisp packets, oversized mugs and spirit levels there can be no doubt. Be patient and you may see one bend over to expose his arse cleavage.

Drifts of cigarette smoke

Confirmation of building activity comes with the detection of the faint aroma of burning tobacco. Following the trail will lead you to an area where men in hi-viz cluster with mugs of tea and cans of Monster indulge in othering, marginalising behaviour termed ‘banter’, before dropping cigarette ends into a can of Monster whether it is finished or not. Observe from a safe distance.