A WOMAN who has already draped every available surface in her house with fairy lights is struggling to add more for Christmas.
Charlotte Phelps of Crumpsall already has curtains of fairy lights on walls and strings of fairy lights winding around shelves and banisters, but feels she needs more to make her flat festive.
She said: “Like most millennials I live in a nasty rented flat and my only view is of stabbings outside a chicken shop, so I’ve tried to solve all those problems with lighting.
“I’ve got fairy lights heaped in decorative jars, running over wardrobes, lighting musty corners, and of course on the headboard and footer of my bed. I’ve never made love without the ambient glow of fairy lights and I pity anyone who has.
“But at this time of year I see everyone gaily lighting their houses and, as the fairy light queen, feel I should join in. After all this place is still dingy, dim and depressing.
“Christmas tree? F**k off, I’ve barely got room for chairs. Putting them on the outside of the flat? You don’t want to draw attention to yourself round here. Using them as carpet? Sadly impractical, I’ve tried.
“I’ve got it. I’ll get the weatherproof kind and pile them up in the toilet bowl. Every piss will be an underlit seasonal joy.”