Which washed-up celebrity will be turning on your town's Christmas lights?

BIG festive lights switch-on tonight? Find out which reluctant C-lister you’ll get doing the honours:

Does your town have a population of over 200,000?

Yes – you live in a town with sufficient density of population to afford an actual celebrity. Whether it’s a 00s pop star who’s been on Strictly, a Coronation Street actor or a Drag Race finalist, they’ve turned up for a relatively modest fee and you’ll turn up because they’re off the telly.

Is your town known for tourism? 

Yes – even the smallest town, if it has pretty views or a food festival, can attract a celebrity hoping that livestreaming their performance will win them ironic kudos and an appearance on a quiz show. Derrick Evans, better known as Mr Motivator to anyone who was up early enough between 1993-2000, will force you through an aerobic routine in drizzle.

Do you have a local celebrity?

Yes – it’s the season of goodwill, so they’re morally obligated to turn out. Unfortunately you live in Stoke-on-Trent where friend-of-Robbie-Williams Jonathan Wilkes is here to remind everyone that he once went on tour with Robbie, still enjoys Zoom calls with Robbie on a bimonthly basis, and is in the local pantomime.

Is your town predominantly working class?

Yes – regretfully, turning the lights on in your rundown former mining community, known nationally only for its high rates of deprivation and regular appearances on Can’t Pay? We’ll Take It Away, would tarnish the brand of even the most minor celebrity. You have a girl from the area who appeared on auditions for Britain’s Got Talent in 2017.

Has nobody ever heard of your town? 

Yes – even those living ten miles away struggle to place you on a map. You are essentially a crossroads with an Aldi. No celebrity has ever come from or even passed through your town, which would be termed a village if it wasn’t too shit. You will either have the chair of the Rotary Club dressed as Shrek or the Lord Mayor again.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

We've got your warm banks right here, says Wetherspoons

WETHERSPOONS has advised the UK that a national network of warm banks is already up and running in your town for a low, low price.

With below-freezing temperatures expected this week, the chain has confirmed that you can stay all day for the price of a few pints, lifelong alcoholism and your self-respect.

Manager Jack Browne said: “We’re waiting for you. We’ve always been waiting for you. Ready for when it got bad enough.

“Have we got wi-fi? Probably. Have we got charging points? I dunno, have a look. Have we got the heating on, empty tables and chairs, and an offer of two pitchers for £13.50? Definitely.

“Call it a co-working space if you have to. Put on a Zoom background so nobody knows you’re attending from The Henry Shrapnel. There’s no music. Nobody will ever know you’re here.

“Look at all your fellow warm bank users and how toasty they are! They’re not worrying about bills. Not anymore. Soon you’ll be just like them.”

Freelance copywriter Carolyn Ryan said: “All these people are fellow professionals making sensible, thrifty decisions like I am. And they’re drinking in the morning, so I can.”