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Woman's spring clean is binning all of boyfriend's possessions

A WOMAN spring cleaning the flat she shares with her partner has decided that means chucking out all his stuff she does not see the point of.

Emma Bradford felt her clean and declutter should not involve getting rid of any of her own possessions, and she would instead do partner Tom Logan a huge favour by binning most of his ‘old rubbish’.

Bradford said: “The flat’s turning into a tip so I decided to have a sort-out while Tom was at work. 

“Obviously my old psychology textbooks from uni are staying, plus childhood storybooks which hold so many memories, and a few other essentials. Is having four make-up bags excessive? Does he want me to stay young-looking and attractive? There’s your answer.

“Tom, on the other hand, really doesn’t need three guitars – he can only ever play one at a time – and he’s surely outgrown that bloody PlayStation now he’s 35. Ditto all those CDs and DVDs of his.

“I hope he’ll be pleased when he gets home from work and sees I’ve transformed the place. Although there’ll still be no space in the wardrobe for his clothes.”

Logan said: “Emma said she’s having a spring clean on her day off today, bless her. She’ll have fun swishing a duster round and hoovering under the bed.

“She can finally get round to chucking out some of her shit that’s cluttering the place up. So long as she’s careful cleaning around my Gibson Custom 1957 Les Paul and doesn’t rearrange my Grand Theft Auto games in the wrong order that will be great.”

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Are you making the most of being furious about the sacked Waitrose hero?

ARE you feeling suitably outraged about the bastards at Waitrose who sacked a staff member who took on a scumbag shoplifter? If not you could be missing out, so here’s what to do.

Be sure to say ‘You could not make it up’

Sacking someone for tackling a shoplifter is clearly lunacy of the most deranged kind, so definitely use the worn-out cliché made ubiquitous by Richard Littlejohn: ‘You could not make it up!’ You’ll sound both perceptive and incredibly witty. To morons.

Do not look at both sides

It’s not unreasonable for supermarkets to have strict rules about dealing with shoplifters, even if it’s largely about avoiding legal action, and that staff should adhere to them when explicitly instructed to. And what if the Waitrose employee had been injured, or perhaps even stabbed? Do not in any way consider these alternative viewpoints. It spoils the fun.

Bask in sanctimonious anger

Being sacked for trying to stop a crime is, at a basic level, pretty unjust. Which means you can enjoy the buzz of being both furious and in the right as you rant about the sickening mistreatment of this heroic Waitrose martyr whose name you forget. 

Weirdly make it into a class issue

Fellow supermarket Iceland quickly stepped in with a job offer for the sacked employee, Walker Smith. Clearly this is about the middle-class ponces who run Waitrose and shop there sneering at decent working-class people, while the authentically proletarian frozen food giant Iceland has their backs. It’s definitely not just a bit of good publicity.

Join in right-wing newspaper comments

The Mail, Express and Telegraph’s comments are seething pits of fury about the Waitrose One, and it’s exciting to join a mob, even just an online one. Of course it suits these newspapers for people to think Britain is a woke, lawless hellhole as it makes them vote Conservative or Reform. You could consider whether you’re being subtly manipulated, but you’re too busy typing ‘BRING BACK HNANGIG, NIGEL!!!!!!’

Firmly believe this is everything wrong with modern Britain

It is! Shoplifters running amok, no respect for authority, you never see a bobby on the beat, cat litter trays in schools, young people too soft for D-Day… the list goes on. Obviously an isolated case of someone being sacked for breaking clear company rules doesn’t prove any of this, but it’s more gratifying to feel Britain is doomed and you’re one of the few people clever enough to see it. 

Abruptly move on to the next confected outrage

After droning on to anyone who’ll listen and boring for England down the pub, suddenly forget about poor Mr Smith when you find a new grievance. Perhaps there’s an unmarried mother in the Mail who has the sheer f**king nerve to go on holiday despite claiming benefits? Yes, of course there is! You’re starting to get the red mist again! Lovely!

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