WORDLE has swept social media, with daily posts of some green and yellow square bollocks. You can’t do it and fail in these ways too:
Idiot, dunce, chump, moron, thick. All potential Wordle answers, and all describe your feeble attempts to join in a craze that’s ultimately some crossword bullshit. But at least you don’t depend on internet strangers for validation and self-worth. Utter twats, total arses, sheer knobs.
What was the point of being in love before Facebook? When you couldn’t shout every ‘quiet night in with this one’ to the world? And if you’re single? No one wants to see a post about how you went out alone, watched a sunset alone, went home alone and slept alone. There are algorithms custom-designed to hide that depressing shit.
Being a single man without a dog
If you’re a single man, your dog is your lone route to keeping your dignity. It has to be a proper man’s dog, a Labrador with an outdoorsy name like Bracken or Flint that you can take on long walks. Pictures of the pair of you atop a mountain looking pensively to the horizon will get likes. Without the dog? Sad.
Everything’s TikTok now, and every twat out there’s doing the latest moves to a rescued 80s pop song proving to the world they’ve got smooth hips and great rhythm. You’ve barely mastered clapping and look like a seal amped up on a gram of cocaine.
Not being rabidly partisan
Hardcore right-wingers who turn every minor incident into a resounding win for Boris rack up the likes. Hardcore left-wingers who still believe the Great, Decent Corbyn will one day return from the wilderness to redeem us all rack up the retweets. Meanwhile you, with your pathetically centrist views, are held in contempt by all.
Friends show off photos of themselves sipping cocktails by infinity pools in Bali. Your holiday photos are from a weekend in a freezing cottage in the Peak District. Sure, your fiscal prudence will pay off when they can’t afford to fill the car in three months, but that doesn’t stop you looking the wanker now.