'You never know which will be your last E, son': Advice from rave dads

A GENERATION of ravers are now a generation of middle-aged fathers passing on their hard-earned clubbing wisdom to their children. This is their advice:

‘Be patient and wait for the rush’

Not everything in this world’s immediate. And though it might feel like forever when you’re at the Arches and Sasha’s doing one of his long intros, hold your horses and wait for it to hit rather than going straight into another one. Or you’ll end up gurning on the steps all night. Trust me, I know.

‘You can’t live life in the chill-out room’

Yes, it’s comfortable there and you can chat to your mates, but you can’t spend your whole life in the chill-out room, love. At some point you’ve got to head to the dance floor, feel the rush, live the drop and reach for the lasers. And when you do it’ll be worth it.

‘There’s always another girl in a pink glittery cowboy hat’

She might have seemed an eternal vision of transcendent loveliness as she passed by but don’t get hung up on her. Enjoy the moment and put it down to the MDMA rather than spend the whole of Carl Craig’s set searching Golden for her. There’ll always be another.

‘His whitey isn’t your problem’

One time we’d gone to Gatecrasher, this lad flaked as soon as we got in, and my mate Chezzy spent the whole night with his head on her lap. Did she see him again? Did she bugger. And missed out on Judge Jules dropping the Power of Love remix.

‘You never know which will be your last E’

I know. You’re young, you’re living for the weekend, it feels like there’ll always be another pill. I was the same way back in ’96. I thought it’d never stop but trust me, one day it does. So make sure you enjoy each one as though it’s your last.

‘Drink plenty of water’

Whether you’re at Cream during Jon Pleased Wimmin or strolling down the high street, keep yourself hydrated. Even if it is an absolute f**king liberty at £4 a bottle.

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Couple renewing wedding vows make significant changes

A MARRIED couple reaffirming their commitment have written a ceremony that reflects their current attitude towards each other.

After 20 years together Stephen and Helen Archer have decided to renew their vows, but this time will base them on knowing how f**king annoying the other can be.

Helen Archer said: “Our original vows were all that ‘until death us do part’ bullshit, but that is not the sort of promise you should actually make when shackling yourself to someone for life.

“In sickness and in health is too general. I need specifics. This time I’m making Stephen promise he will never again use me having explosive diarrhoea after a dodgy chicken bhuna as a Christmas dinner anecdote.

“And given that we’re financially stable, richer or poorer seems a silly one. So we’ll be vowing that every time Stephen wastes £70 on a new West Ham strip, I can spend the equivalent in Whistles.

“And finally I’ll agree not to shave my armpits with his razor if he agrees not to attempt belching the Eastenders theme. That’s true love.”

Stephen Archer said: “I’m just going to promise to love and cherish her, forsaking all others unless it’s Cate Blanchett, because we chose our celebrity cheats in 2011 and Helen can’t go back on it now.”