Three years on, Britain inaccurately remembers lockdown

THREE years on from lockdown, the UK’s memories of it are now wildly distorted. Very little of this happened:

Hannah Tomlinson, aged 24, Bexhill-on-Sea

“I still remember Boris announcing lockdown and the iron fences slamming down, everywhere, from the sky. They were around every garden and at both ends of our street. You needed a pass to leave, and if you were out longer than your hour the robot guards would shoot to kill.”

Roy Hobbs, aged 66, Hinkley

“Sourdough, Zoom quizzes, Normal People and daytime drinking were all mandated by the government. If you didn’t do them you couldn’t get your furlough. It was hell. I was there, shy Irish teenagers stumbling through sex on TV, my starter mutating, blind drunk at 2pm, guessing the members of S Club 7, all for my free money.”

Margaret Gerving, aged 74, Guildford

“When Boris took sick we knew that was the end. The entire country agreed that it was better we sacrifice ourselves to save the NHS. Then came an angel from heaven, shuffling around his garden with his walker, restoring our hope and single-handedly saving an entire nation. We’d all be dead without Captain Sir Tom Moore.”

Steve Malley, aged 35, Lambeth

“London was a ghost town. Goats took over Llandudno. Portsmouth was abandoned to the sea. Most of Wales hasn’t been heard from since. We were prisoners in our own homes and could only watch helpless as giant otters reclaimed our streets. I smoked an absolute shitload of weed.”

Joanna Kramer, aged 41, Wrexham

“We ran out of toilet roll, so I had no choice but to go on the game. Then we needed face masks, so my husband pistol-whipped an Amazon driver for a pack of five. My son held up a train to get hand sanitiser. Ever since, we’ve been unable to break out of our spiral of crime. I blame 5G.”

Jack Browne, aged 28, Hythe

“Everyone stayed two metres apart. Nobody broke the rules. Then, with one single action, we were freed: Dominic Cummings drove to Durham, took his kids to Barnard Castle, claimed it was an eye test and from that moment on everyone stopped giving a f**k. What a hero. There should be a statue of him.”

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How to let a single piece of homework ruin the entire family's weekend, by a 13-year-old

WANT to ruin your whole family’s weekend by being a dick about doing your homework? Here’s how:

Start whining on Friday night

You’ve only been out of school for two hours but that doesn’t mean you can’t start inflicting the homework hanging over your head on your family. While they settle down on the sofa to watch a film you should hover fretfully in the living room doorway moaning about how school is ruining your life with its authoritarian demands, and generally spoiling their evening with your miserable presence.

Have a long consultation with a friend

Your parents suggest a day out but you shit all over that by saying you really must get on with your homework, leading to a tetchy Saturday atmosphere. Phone a friend to ask what the f**k an igneous rock is, before wasting two hours wittering mindlessly together about FIFA, Cardi B and if Ryan from 8S has really fingered Lucy from 9R.

Have a fight with your sister

Your sister is a goody-goody square who did her homework the moment she got home from school on Friday and is able to enjoy her weekend without the crushing weight of self-inflicted anxiety on her back. She taunts you mercilessly about this, so you give her a dead arm. She goes crying to your parents and you get told off, then waste another 90 minutes sulking on the stairs.

Have an almighty meltdown

Having moped about the house all day moaning that you’ll never use maths in real life because you have a calculator on your iPhone, you reach peak stress on Sunday at 6.45pm and throw a wobbly so huge and traumatised that your parents don’t tell you off but instead look worried for your fragile teenage mental health. This is good, because it leads to…

Your parents end up doing it

While you kick back on the sofa swaddled in blankets, your parents sit in the kitchen asking each other if they’re doing a shit job of parenting whilst simultaneously trying to remember the Pythagorean theorem. They end up having a huge argument but you don’t care because you got out of doing something that would only have taken 20 minutes if you’d just sat down and got the f**k on with it.