'You shouldn't say PIN number': Five things pedantic twats love telling you

KNOW-IT-ALLS armed with tedious trivia are everywhere. Hippos kill more people than lions, you can’t lick your own elbow, and so on. Here are five facts we wish we’d heard less times. Or should that be ‘fewer’?

They don’t eat chicken tikka masala in India

A takeaway with your parents will leave your dad both chomping on his naan and champing at the bit to tell you his one relevant fact: chicken tikka masala was invented in Britain. Followed by awkward silence because there’s nothing really to add. Next time order Italian and run a sweepstake on how long it’ll take him to tell you there’s no such thing as spaghetti bolognese.

You shouldn’t say ‘PIN number’

PIN stands for ‘personal identification number’ so you’ll be saying ‘personal identification number number’. You are clearly a total arsewit who understands less than nothing and deserves to die horribly. Actually the fact-sharer should go to the cashpoint, enter their PIN number and pay for the drinks all night as punishment for dredging up this tiresome fact.

He actually says ‘You’re gonna need a bigger boat’

There’s nothing like a misquoted movie line that’s been cleared up years ago. In Jaws Chief Brody is actually telling Quint he needs to replace his too-small boat. It’s one of the best lines in one of the best movies of all time. But let’s focus on this. You know what else? That’s not a real shark. Wow. I am incredibly insightful.

Frankenstein was the name of the doctor, not the monster

As a gothic horror author, Mary Shelley would have quite liked the idea of spinning in her grave. Which is lucky because most discussion of her masterwork is what the monster isn’t called. It’s been common knowledge ever since people started picking up on dunces calling it ‘a Frankenstein’ or whatever. Can the pedant make any interesting points about the book’s plot and themes? No, because they haven’t actually read it.

You’re more likely to die in a car crash than a plane crash

Hurrah! But dying isn’t a great topic when you’re sweating and hyperventilating on a Boeing 747. Yes, you ARE more likely to die in a car crash. But you’ll remember this and be scared shitless next time you get in a car as well. In fact you’ll be getting a taxi at the airport, so say goodbye to your loved ones because there’s no way you’re getting out of this holiday alive.

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'You'll regret it': Things parents say to non-parents that are really about themselves

CHILD-FREE people are often told they’ll regret their choice by parents who seem to regret theirs. Here are the things they say that actually apply to them.

‘You’ll regret not having kids’

People who are stressed, exhausted, poor and surviving off the half-chewed leftovers from their kids’ plates because they haven’t got time to cook a meal love telling those who don’t want kids they’ll regret it. It’s not too much of a stretch to suspect they’re talking about themselves.

‘Who will look after you when you’re old?’

Whether you have children or not, the odds are you’ll end up miserable and lonely in an old people’s home, and there’s no guarantee your kids will be arsed to visit you. Also we’ve moved on from subsistence farming, so you won’t be dependent on your offspring stockpiling potatoes to survive the winter. Unless something goes horribly wrong with pensions.

‘You’re selfish’

Are childless people really the selfish ones? Or is it those who pump out miniature versions of themselves to absorb the earth’s dwindling resources? And that’s before you mention other parental selfishness, such as wanting to bask in the glory of them being a pro footballer or a doctor, until the pressure makes them drop out and become a hippy traveller called ‘Leaf’.

‘You’ll never know true happiness’

A tad extreme, and a weird definition of ‘happiness’: constant noise, loss of freedom, endless expense and a lifetime of worry that you’ve produced an emotionally unstable mess of a human who’ll will be living in your house when they’re 42. Childless people, however, can drink lager in the bath instead of going to parents’ evening. That’s true happiness.

‘Your relationship won’t go the distance’

Some desperate people claim children are the glue that holds a relationship together for a lifetime, but when you see two frazzled parents in Tesco bickering over whether a kid can have a Freddo, the reverse is clearly true. A cat is much easier and they don’t have a tantrum in the frozen aisle. As far as you know.