MY sex problem is incredibly shocking and also hot, but to read about it in today’s Daily Mail you’ll have to click on the link. Do it now – there might be tits and cocks!
The problem – which I’m not going to reveal immediately – happened when I got back on the dating scene after my divorce. Imagine that, my MILFy self, starved of sex, ready to try out new stuff with different guys. See, it was a good idea to click.
Anyway, I’d been on a few dates which were pleasant enough, but none had ignited my passions. That was until I met Steve. Confident, successful, muscular, he was just my type and soon I invited him to spend the night.
So there I was, in my sexual prime, lying on the bed in lingerie, gagging to be banged until I was screaming with pleasure, which is what you clicked for. But then it all went wrong. Horribly, hideously, salaciously wrong.
Steve was wearing tatty old boxer shorts with holes in them.
‘What the f**k?’ I hear you shouting. ‘That’s a really stupid problem, and not very original either. You can easily solve it by buying a f**king £20 pack of boxer shorts! I subscribed to Daily Mail+ for this! It’s £9.99 a month after the trial period ends, you f**king deceitful cow!’
True, but after seeing Steve’s moth-eaten pants with unmentionable stains I couldn’t go through with sex and the evening was ruined. You expected something way freakier, like him being an adult baby or my discovery I’m into being spanked, but I’m afraid that’s it.
I think we can all agree dating in middle-age articles are a minefield. But will you ever stop clicking? Unlikely. I’ve written one for next week that implies it’s about anal but disappointingly turns out to be vaginal dryness. See you there.
