How to make sure no one sits next to you on the train

THE only way to stop a disgusting stranger sitting next to you on the train is to be that disgusting stranger. Here’s our guide to ensuring peace and quiet on your journey.

Take a portable cooker

Guzzling smelly food like an animal is already popular on trains, but for the maximum effect take a camping stove. Frying up a nice bit of liver will save you the cost of a sandwich and really kill some time on a boring journey.

Neglect your personal hygiene

Try not to wash, brush your teeth or use deodorant in the weeks leading up to your train journey. There’s a risk of gum disease or scabies but it’s worth it to avoid some twat looking at porn on his iPad like that’s normal now.

Use the power of Special Brew

Have a couple of cans of Spesh before you board the train, giving your breath a good ‘trampy’ aroma. Then put a few more cans on the table and drink them throughout the journey. The nausea will pass once the alcohol kicks in.

Note: This works best if your journey is to a job interview or date with someone you really like.

Take some bizarre item with you

Dogs and massive suitcases are ideal ‘seat blockers’, but if you take something strange people will be even more reluctant to ask you to move it. Try an old boiler or harpoon gun.

Make a sign saying ‘Do not sit here’

However amateurish, the sign will appeal to people’s natural fear of authority. If someone asks who put it there, say ‘the police’.

Just put your bag on the seat next to you

An obvious ploy, but this is Britain – nobody will ask you to move it. Aside from a few passive-aggressive clucks, there will be no consequences at all except being hated forever by the guy standing all the way from Euston to Stoke.

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'Hilarious' chalkboard outside pub has no effect on man's decision to get pissed

A MAN’S decision to get wasted in a pub was in no way influenced by a chalkboard message inviting him to come inside.

The chalkboard – reading ‘Happiness’ with an arrow pointing towards the pub and another saying ‘Reality’ pointing away from it – was not among the factors causing Tom Booker to get shitfaced.

Administrator Booker said: “I was already sold on the idea of after-work drinks, because it was after work and I needed a drink.

“I chose The Ship because it sells alcohol and is near my office. Also it has crisps and toilets. That’s pretty much all that went into the decision.

“I’m sure there are commuters on their way home who see the chalkboard message and decide to abandon their plans and choose ‘happiness’ over ‘reality’, but that’s just not what happened here.”

Booker said he would not have been swayed by other chalkboard messages, such as ‘Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder’ or one insinuating that hipsters were not allowed then revealing the target of the joke was in fact hamsters.

He said: “It’s really not about the quality of the sign, that’s just not how I make plans.”